Today I cried because my mom forgot to buy me coke zero and bought me nuts, oatmeal, diet hot chocolate and other things. The diet hot chocolate was the last straw for when the water works came because it was the 70 calorie kind and not the 25 calorie kind that I usually get.
This is ridiculous. I cried because I didn't get the right kind of hot cocoa and coke zero. I cried because I needed that coke zero. I need it to get through the day. It fills me up. I know that I am being ridiculous and that she said that she would buy me some tomorrow. She doesn't understand why I was so upset.
I am upset because she doesn't notice that I am sick. She doesn't notice what is going on. You would think after months and months of me pointing out my behaviors to make sure she notices she would notice now. Whatever it isn't HER RESPONSIBILITY it is MINE!
Brae please snap out of it...please stay well...please be better.
It is a new year and I have already purged 4 times. I am so annoyed with myself it is not even funny. I know I am falling and I know I should be screaming for help but my eating disorder is silencing me.
After 9 months of really awesome progress I am once again falling. Once again avoiding shit. Once again avoiding all of my feelings. I have avoided my therapist as well. I don't want to be sick but I know I am going to keep lapsing if I don't talk it out.
I don't know how I can be so great for 9 months and now thoughts pour in and I purge them out.
I have good things in my life: I have a family who loves me, a boyfriend who loves me, friends who love me. I should love myself shouldn't I?
I am lost. I will be seeing my therapist on Thursday and hopefully I voice all of these concerns.
