Well I am doing well! Actually pretty darn great! I have finally come to the realization that I do not want an eating disorder nor do I want to say that I struggle with one. I just want to be healthy! It is super exciting to know that I believe myself when I say I am finally ready to give up my eating disorder for good!
It is hard to believe how I started off the summer being such a wreck but now summer is ending (I move back to school on Sunday) and I am now in a better state of mind! I am happy for once. I met a boy and he is amazing! I don't know where we will go but I will enjoy the ride. I have not purged in 10 days now I think but I went a month without purging before that and I had just purged like 5 times after my 30 day streak ended. It is easy to not purge now. I hated purging and I love that it isn't so much a habit/coping mechanism any more.
I have struggled with eating and I did lose my period for 2 months but it is now back and I am eating more and trying not to count. Also I have not been over-exercising which is awesome!
I love to run and it helps with my anxiety as does the Prozac! I am just happy and I felt like I needed to update people on my progress.
I hope that you all are okay! <3
Friday, September 2, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Happy days
It is May 24 and I am feeling so great.
After the few weeks of struggling and just wanting to give up on this thing called recovery I got my act together once again.
Last week I had a few bad days and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't even want to leave the house until my mom forced me to go buy milk. On the way to the store I cried because I felt as if everyone was judging me and it didn't help that I had weighed myself that day. I hate how weight fluctuates from all the binging and purging. At the end of that ordeal I decided that I am going to take my therapists advice and go on medication for my anxiety because I would like to start living again and not cry because I am taking a 5 minute ride to the store.
After I made that realization about the medication I felt as if a weight had been lifted because I had finally made a decision now I just have to tell her at our next session on thrusday. I really do like her a lot; for the first time I feel like I am being heard and someone understands me. Next decision that needs to be made is whether or not I want my parents to come in for a session. I don't think that my mom would be willing to but I think that my dad would like to. I am just not sure I want them to know everything just yet.
Now the improvements I have only purged once in the past 4 days. I know such a big accomplishment especially since I have been eating and not starving. I am still working on upping my daily consumption of food though everyday. I also have not been counting which is so damn stressful and great all at the same time.
I am actually doing okay and back to working on this recovery business!
I hope by the end of summer I am really better and able to go back to college and be okay with life again.
I know that I will always struggle but I just need to be in a better head space (like this one I am in now) by the end of summer.
After that long novel...I am glad to say that I am happy =)
I hope that you guys are happy too =)
After the few weeks of struggling and just wanting to give up on this thing called recovery I got my act together once again.
Last week I had a few bad days and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't even want to leave the house until my mom forced me to go buy milk. On the way to the store I cried because I felt as if everyone was judging me and it didn't help that I had weighed myself that day. I hate how weight fluctuates from all the binging and purging. At the end of that ordeal I decided that I am going to take my therapists advice and go on medication for my anxiety because I would like to start living again and not cry because I am taking a 5 minute ride to the store.
After I made that realization about the medication I felt as if a weight had been lifted because I had finally made a decision now I just have to tell her at our next session on thrusday. I really do like her a lot; for the first time I feel like I am being heard and someone understands me. Next decision that needs to be made is whether or not I want my parents to come in for a session. I don't think that my mom would be willing to but I think that my dad would like to. I am just not sure I want them to know everything just yet.
Now the improvements I have only purged once in the past 4 days. I know such a big accomplishment especially since I have been eating and not starving. I am still working on upping my daily consumption of food though everyday. I also have not been counting which is so damn stressful and great all at the same time.
I am actually doing okay and back to working on this recovery business!
I hope by the end of summer I am really better and able to go back to college and be okay with life again.
I know that I will always struggle but I just need to be in a better head space (like this one I am in now) by the end of summer.
After that long novel...I am glad to say that I am happy =)
I hope that you guys are happy too =)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
This won't make any sense
I am not happy with trying and failing because I feel as if I am failing at trying even though I know I am trying.
Every time I fail I think that I wasn't trying hard enough even though I know that is not the case. I was trying!
I just hate failing and hate failing at trying and I hate trying harder and harder if I am only to fail. I want to be better when I wake, just like that but I know that cannot happen and I have to keep fighting.
On other notes: I am triggering myself every time I step on that god damn scale. I NEED TO STOP. I know I am triggering myself so why the hell do I keep doing it?!?!?! The "boss" says I need to but if I want to escape Ed I cannot listen to him. So why the hell keep listening?!?! Another triggering item is fucking Tumblr. I follow recovery blogs just like I do on this site but all of the pictures that these "recovery" blogs put up are not so recovery esq. Then the posts that these girls post about what they are going through does not make me feel better. But then if I try and unfollow them I feel really bad because they are going through the same things I am and I should be able to help them but I just feel so guilty for unfollowing that it then triggers the voice once again. There is just no winning and I must delete my Tumblr. I am just not sure if I can or not. I like it on here because nothing that people say on here triggers me so much as what they do on Tumblr.
I have therapy tomorrow...new person...kind of stressing. Ed tells me to lie and say I have been doing good but I have to tell the truth! I just don't know who will win tomorrow; me or Ed?
Well after that huge rant...I am off to bed knowing what I have to do (delete Tumblr)...hopefully I can do it and hopefully the therapy session goes well.
Every time I fail I think that I wasn't trying hard enough even though I know that is not the case. I was trying!
I just hate failing and hate failing at trying and I hate trying harder and harder if I am only to fail. I want to be better when I wake, just like that but I know that cannot happen and I have to keep fighting.
On other notes: I am triggering myself every time I step on that god damn scale. I NEED TO STOP. I know I am triggering myself so why the hell do I keep doing it?!?!?! The "boss" says I need to but if I want to escape Ed I cannot listen to him. So why the hell keep listening?!?! Another triggering item is fucking Tumblr. I follow recovery blogs just like I do on this site but all of the pictures that these "recovery" blogs put up are not so recovery esq. Then the posts that these girls post about what they are going through does not make me feel better. But then if I try and unfollow them I feel really bad because they are going through the same things I am and I should be able to help them but I just feel so guilty for unfollowing that it then triggers the voice once again. There is just no winning and I must delete my Tumblr. I am just not sure if I can or not. I like it on here because nothing that people say on here triggers me so much as what they do on Tumblr.
I have therapy tomorrow...new person...kind of stressing. Ed tells me to lie and say I have been doing good but I have to tell the truth! I just don't know who will win tomorrow; me or Ed?
Well after that huge rant...I am off to bed knowing what I have to do (delete Tumblr)...hopefully I can do it and hopefully the therapy session goes well.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Please some positive thinking
I have so much to work to do for tomorrow and I am procrastinating because I am thinking about food.
I really hate the power that food has over me. I wish to stop eating so I don't have to worry about purging!
Please give me the strength the not eat or at least not over eat!
Gah! Thats all I have to say and I just don't know. Like silence me already...
Bleck!
I have gained weight after this week...I am not okay with that but I always have more time to lose it.
This is so dumb because you know I want to be healthy! I really really want to be rid of this but I am just constantly struggling with the healthy thoughts and the negative thoughts!
Things are looking up with the roomies though because I have talked to them both and I am still friends with one of them and then I told the other one that we have always been a toxic relationship.
She took it well.
I should be moving out of my room soon though because I still cannot really be comfortable in here because although I really don't want to be friends with her I don't really believe I got that point across. I think I gave her hope. There is no hope!
I feel like I have been silenced...
I have. Where has the brave girl that I knew gone?!?!
I want to get better
I want to lose weight
some days the latter of the two win...
Positive thoughts though...
I have not lost two friends but only one and on my own terms
I will be moving out soon
School will be ending really soon
Summer is just around the corner!
One day I will say goodbye to ED!
I really hate the power that food has over me. I wish to stop eating so I don't have to worry about purging!
Please give me the strength the not eat or at least not over eat!
Gah! Thats all I have to say and I just don't know. Like silence me already...
Bleck!
I have gained weight after this week...I am not okay with that but I always have more time to lose it.
This is so dumb because you know I want to be healthy! I really really want to be rid of this but I am just constantly struggling with the healthy thoughts and the negative thoughts!
Things are looking up with the roomies though because I have talked to them both and I am still friends with one of them and then I told the other one that we have always been a toxic relationship.
She took it well.
I should be moving out of my room soon though because I still cannot really be comfortable in here because although I really don't want to be friends with her I don't really believe I got that point across. I think I gave her hope. There is no hope!
I feel like I have been silenced...
I have. Where has the brave girl that I knew gone?!?!
I want to get better
I want to lose weight
some days the latter of the two win...
Positive thoughts though...
I have not lost two friends but only one and on my own terms
I will be moving out soon
School will be ending really soon
Summer is just around the corner!
One day I will say goodbye to ED!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Hiding under a counter
Here I am hiding under a counter in the computer room, avoiding my room. I am just pathetic, if you could only see me. I just cannot get myself to go into my room. I cannot make myself move. I am anxious just thinking about it.
I just need to vent.
I write too much! But venting here is so much better than going to binge which may end up happening anyways but I am fighting it oh so hard.
Here goes day two having to live with my roomies who no longer can room with me because I am such a burden. Although I know that they are willing to be my friends I just cannot help but think that I am this huge burden hence why I have avoided my room all day. I am feeling very sad and angry and frustrated.
It is just food! I am losing my roommates to my eating disorder, are you kidding me?!?!
Fuck this whole thing.
They say that all I talk about is food
All I talk about is going to the gym
I never have real conversations with them
That I was more fun last semester than this semester
Part of me knows that some of this is true part of the time. I have had other meaningful conversations with them that didn't involve food. But whatever maybe I am crazy and made it all up in my head.
I just have to remind myself that although they beat me to the punch telling me they could no longer room with me I never fully intended on rooming with them next year anyways because I felt as though we were clashing. I just have to remind myself of that.
Talked to both of the parents today and my dad told me that these things happen and I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep fighting. I know that the way this is written is harsh but it wasn't that harsh when he said it but it still annoyed the crap out of me. My mom was understanding and said just what I needed to hear.
I am just feeling alone in all of this even though I know that I have people there for me.
Why can I be logical and illogical at the same time?
Why can't I just get better?
I know that none of this will happen in a day but oh man how I wish it would!
Got a book and I am going to give myself maybe another hour to work myself up into being able to be in that room.
This is not the end of the world. I wanted this to happen for the most part.
I hate feeling this lost...
I just need to vent.
I write too much! But venting here is so much better than going to binge which may end up happening anyways but I am fighting it oh so hard.
Here goes day two having to live with my roomies who no longer can room with me because I am such a burden. Although I know that they are willing to be my friends I just cannot help but think that I am this huge burden hence why I have avoided my room all day. I am feeling very sad and angry and frustrated.
It is just food! I am losing my roommates to my eating disorder, are you kidding me?!?!
Fuck this whole thing.
They say that all I talk about is food
All I talk about is going to the gym
I never have real conversations with them
That I was more fun last semester than this semester
Part of me knows that some of this is true part of the time. I have had other meaningful conversations with them that didn't involve food. But whatever maybe I am crazy and made it all up in my head.
I just have to remind myself that although they beat me to the punch telling me they could no longer room with me I never fully intended on rooming with them next year anyways because I felt as though we were clashing. I just have to remind myself of that.
Talked to both of the parents today and my dad told me that these things happen and I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep fighting. I know that the way this is written is harsh but it wasn't that harsh when he said it but it still annoyed the crap out of me. My mom was understanding and said just what I needed to hear.
I am just feeling alone in all of this even though I know that I have people there for me.
Why can I be logical and illogical at the same time?
Why can't I just get better?
I know that none of this will happen in a day but oh man how I wish it would!
Got a book and I am going to give myself maybe another hour to work myself up into being able to be in that room.
This is not the end of the world. I wanted this to happen for the most part.
I hate feeling this lost...
Anxiety and Ultimatums
I am annoyed!
What the hell? Why do I purge if I am only going to eat again?
She comes out and she is like you have eaten too much so PURGE. Then minutes later once the high is gone she comes back and says I feel empty once again...eat! I cannot purge now thank you very much so there is 400 calories still left inside me because the blood from my throat scares me all too much to continue.
She may be the boss but I am about ready to quit!
I swear if I go over my alloted amount of 50-100 calories tomorrow I may kill someone.
My anxiety has been at an all time high today as well as just this whole entire week. I don't understand. I mean school has been crazy busy and that makes me anxious then I am just thinking about writing a letter to my ex even though that was only a suggestion when I was ready but the thoughts of doing so have been driving me up the wall. I have also been thinking about telling people at home about my "other half" and that has been making my anxious. I just need to quiet these thoughts. Once I quiet these thoughts then the constant need to binge and purge will go down.
I feel so much more in control when restricting. Of course I have always been more bulimic.
Looking at myself in the mirror has become increasingly difficult this week! I swear I have gained 10 pounds and I am not happy with that. I logically know that I haven't gained that much but I can't help that that is the way I feel.
I take showers in the dark just so I can't see my body. I will be restricting like no other for the next few weeks and purging everything that passes my lips if it is over the alloted 100 calories and or less.
-----
I have lost two of my friends to an ultimatum. I never thought that I would lose my friends to my eating disorder. Granted they are my roommates and they say that they are still my friends they just can't live with me anymore because they can't help me out.
I just don't know. I feel like they have given up on me so I just don't want to be their friends anymore. I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal.
I will keep fighting though despite what I said earlier. I will keep fighting for myself even if people around me can not see my growth or change.
What the hell? Why do I purge if I am only going to eat again?
She comes out and she is like you have eaten too much so PURGE. Then minutes later once the high is gone she comes back and says I feel empty once again...eat! I cannot purge now thank you very much so there is 400 calories still left inside me because the blood from my throat scares me all too much to continue.
She may be the boss but I am about ready to quit!
I swear if I go over my alloted amount of 50-100 calories tomorrow I may kill someone.
My anxiety has been at an all time high today as well as just this whole entire week. I don't understand. I mean school has been crazy busy and that makes me anxious then I am just thinking about writing a letter to my ex even though that was only a suggestion when I was ready but the thoughts of doing so have been driving me up the wall. I have also been thinking about telling people at home about my "other half" and that has been making my anxious. I just need to quiet these thoughts. Once I quiet these thoughts then the constant need to binge and purge will go down.
I feel so much more in control when restricting. Of course I have always been more bulimic.
Looking at myself in the mirror has become increasingly difficult this week! I swear I have gained 10 pounds and I am not happy with that. I logically know that I haven't gained that much but I can't help that that is the way I feel.
I take showers in the dark just so I can't see my body. I will be restricting like no other for the next few weeks and purging everything that passes my lips if it is over the alloted 100 calories and or less.
-----
I have lost two of my friends to an ultimatum. I never thought that I would lose my friends to my eating disorder. Granted they are my roommates and they say that they are still my friends they just can't live with me anymore because they can't help me out.
I just don't know. I feel like they have given up on me so I just don't want to be their friends anymore. I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal.
I will keep fighting though despite what I said earlier. I will keep fighting for myself even if people around me can not see my growth or change.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
i just need to get back on track...
I am 20 now! 20 years of age with an eating disorder. I am old and that makes me anxious! I just never expected to have been still dealing with all of these issues at this age. It is so dumb!
I ate a lot this weekend and only purged half of it.
I just need to get back on track and not purge and I was doing pretty well.
I don't really want to tell you what entails my on track plan but whatever...
I am not to eat at all this week if I do then I must purge.
I know its not recovery sounding at all.
I wish I knew how to make it into a healthy no purging plan and just eat normally without eating too little or too much but I am just not sure how to do that.
I know that the plan is my eating disorder talking and not me but I am afraid I will not be able to fight it.
I am allergic to peanut butter. Well I have to make sure with the doctor but I cannot breathe and my mouth goes numb after I eat it. Thank goodness I am allergic to it though because my binges with PB were getting ridiculous. I am afraid though that on one of my binges I will just end up eating it and dying if it gets anymore serious.
I swear my eating disorder wants to kill me.
That was always the plan...
I don't want to be 20
I don't want to have an eating disorder!
I did make big strides though. I told another one of my best friends about my issue. I also hinted at it when talking to my younger sister.
I know that I should tell them but at the same time I don't want anything to change!
I should be sleeping...
damn insomnia!
well okay bye and keep fighting...
I ate a lot this weekend and only purged half of it.
I just need to get back on track and not purge and I was doing pretty well.
I don't really want to tell you what entails my on track plan but whatever...
I am not to eat at all this week if I do then I must purge.
I know its not recovery sounding at all.
I wish I knew how to make it into a healthy no purging plan and just eat normally without eating too little or too much but I am just not sure how to do that.
I know that the plan is my eating disorder talking and not me but I am afraid I will not be able to fight it.
I am allergic to peanut butter. Well I have to make sure with the doctor but I cannot breathe and my mouth goes numb after I eat it. Thank goodness I am allergic to it though because my binges with PB were getting ridiculous. I am afraid though that on one of my binges I will just end up eating it and dying if it gets anymore serious.
I swear my eating disorder wants to kill me.
That was always the plan...
I don't want to be 20
I don't want to have an eating disorder!
I did make big strides though. I told another one of my best friends about my issue. I also hinted at it when talking to my younger sister.
I know that I should tell them but at the same time I don't want anything to change!
I should be sleeping...
damn insomnia!
well okay bye and keep fighting...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Goals are close to failing
Okay so things going on...
My goal is this close to failing. I purged tonight or rather early this morning. I have been living off of 100 calories a day and my binge got up to a little bit over 1,000 calories which is barely even a binge but I felt totally out of control eating so I went and purged.
I shouldn't have eaten that oatmeal. I mean it would have been okay if I started the week off eating oatmeal but I didn't and changing my food suddenly throws me off track.
I swear its like I take one step forward and two steps back.
Today in class we had to take surveys and give feedback on what was good and what needed to be changed in our classmates surveys/projects. Two of the surveys surrounded body issues and at first I had this intense urge to lie but then I just told the truth.
I feel uncomfortable with being me
I feel gross
I feel worthless
I feel like a failure
I often feel out of control
I do not believe that the two hours or more I spend at the gym is enough
I often hate looking in the mirror. At least the voices are less loud when I don't.
I hate negative thoughts but I think that it was helpful to actually tell the truth for once even though it was only for my eyes to see and I think that I may have lied if I had to give the surveys back to them although they are meant to be anonymous. I need to work on that.
I was walking down the street today and of course I found myself talking out loud as I walked. I was asking myself why the hell I couldn't control anything. Why I was once able to seem semi healthy in senior/freshman year of college. I know why. I was never rid of the voice telling me I was a failure when I slowed down all of the behaviors but the voice was louder than ever at that time because I was denying its efforts to pull me in to its deep spell. I figure the reason why things have gotten worse for me or why the behaviors have gone from minimal to full blown again is because I am tried of listening to the damn voice all the time if I am not doing anything about it. I feel that if I am not purging and restricting then I am suffering with this voice for no reason. I figure the voice and the behaviors might as well be a package deal. I hope that this is making sense. If it isn't I don't really know how else to explain it.
I have been such an insomniac these days. Also I have been so ADHD lately and my thoughts jump around all the time. It is awful. I have to see if I can see the doctor today because I was supposed to see him yesterday but seeing as I fell asleep yesterday at the time of the appointment it was a fail. Maybe I should see if he can give me anything for my issues sleeping/concentrating and anxiousness.
I am pretty sure that none of this is making sense anymore so I should just stop typing.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Connections and dislikes...peanut butter
Seeing the doctor was oh so awful. I have not gained weight but only lost a pound. He doesn't understand anything and I just think he is an idiot. He just looked at the physical aspects i.e. the weight; but I told him about the purging 3 times a day for this whole entire week and yet he did not check my vitals. I also probably should have told him that I have lost my period for about 2 months now. Thank you eating disorder...he probably wouldn't have cared anyways. As I said...
An idiot. That is all I can say. I am switching doctors. The end.
On other notes:
Also I hate my unhealthy relationship with peanut butter. I can eat jars and yet I cannot seem to vomit it all up as well as I used to be able to. Tisk Tisk. I need some portion control and bad. I swear peanut butter is in my dreams. It is all I ever think about. It is just down right unhealthy seeing as a couple weeks ago I wouldn't even touch peanut butter. Maybe it is just my body needing protein but I don't know the obsession just needs to end!
I hate having negative thoughts.
I hate even more having to say these negative thoughts out loud.
I think that my lack of voicing these negative thoughts holds up my progress in therapy.
I hated feeling a disconnect with my best friend for the first time in 4 years.
I am used to being the happy constant for everyone. I have always felt bad about being sad when my friends needed me or if my family needed me. So I learned how to bottle those sad feelings up and learned to be happy 24/7. Granted thats when bulimia came and took over but I don't know if I am totally ready to come to that realization. My need to be happy all the time for others fuels my eating disorder, that just doesn't sound correct.
I am glad to write here though... I am glad to have this place to say all those nasty, ugly eating disorder thoughts.
I am afraid that if people knew what thoughts were inside my head, they would lock me up.
I swear I am not crazy and I do not wish to die.
I sometimes feel as if there is nothing wrong with me. No one at home besides my best friend and parents know about my eating disorder. I can act normal here. I can be happy Brae and that my friends is all I care about.
Being normal...
What a joke.
I am not normal
I have an eating disorder
My throat aches and I am always dizzy...I vomit almost everyday at least since I have been home.
I guess the whole normal aspect of my life at home is what fuels my eating disorder. At school I am the girl with an eating disorder and my behaviors calm down and I am still vomiting but not everyday. I restrict more while at school than binge. I wish to be back now.
What will happen during the summer?
I will not be well but hopefully I will find the courage to tell people at home so I can have my behaviors calm down and not be in so much pain all the time.
I guess that is the internal struggle..."to tell or not to tell"
Shall I stay normal at home even if it is not best for me?
Well this was long...
Sorry about that.
I must also work on the "sorry" notion of my life. I am forever apologizing for everything although it is not always my fault. My therapist says that also fuels some part of my bulimia. I cannot see these connections but she makes sense so hopefully one day I will see these connections.
I do not like grammar. Sorry again. Well no! This is my blog and my imaginary readers will just have to deal with the grammar situation.
On that note...
Goal: no purging for the week. If I can succeed then I will find it acceptable to go out to eat with my friends on my birthday if not then oh well no birthday dinner for my bulimia.
An idiot. That is all I can say. I am switching doctors. The end.
On other notes:
Also I hate my unhealthy relationship with peanut butter. I can eat jars and yet I cannot seem to vomit it all up as well as I used to be able to. Tisk Tisk. I need some portion control and bad. I swear peanut butter is in my dreams. It is all I ever think about. It is just down right unhealthy seeing as a couple weeks ago I wouldn't even touch peanut butter. Maybe it is just my body needing protein but I don't know the obsession just needs to end!
I hate having negative thoughts.
I hate even more having to say these negative thoughts out loud.
I think that my lack of voicing these negative thoughts holds up my progress in therapy.
I hated feeling a disconnect with my best friend for the first time in 4 years.
I am used to being the happy constant for everyone. I have always felt bad about being sad when my friends needed me or if my family needed me. So I learned how to bottle those sad feelings up and learned to be happy 24/7. Granted thats when bulimia came and took over but I don't know if I am totally ready to come to that realization. My need to be happy all the time for others fuels my eating disorder, that just doesn't sound correct.
I am glad to write here though... I am glad to have this place to say all those nasty, ugly eating disorder thoughts.
I am afraid that if people knew what thoughts were inside my head, they would lock me up.
I swear I am not crazy and I do not wish to die.
I sometimes feel as if there is nothing wrong with me. No one at home besides my best friend and parents know about my eating disorder. I can act normal here. I can be happy Brae and that my friends is all I care about.
Being normal...
What a joke.
I am not normal
I have an eating disorder
My throat aches and I am always dizzy...I vomit almost everyday at least since I have been home.
I guess the whole normal aspect of my life at home is what fuels my eating disorder. At school I am the girl with an eating disorder and my behaviors calm down and I am still vomiting but not everyday. I restrict more while at school than binge. I wish to be back now.
What will happen during the summer?
I will not be well but hopefully I will find the courage to tell people at home so I can have my behaviors calm down and not be in so much pain all the time.
I guess that is the internal struggle..."to tell or not to tell"
Shall I stay normal at home even if it is not best for me?
Well this was long...
Sorry about that.
I must also work on the "sorry" notion of my life. I am forever apologizing for everything although it is not always my fault. My therapist says that also fuels some part of my bulimia. I cannot see these connections but she makes sense so hopefully one day I will see these connections.
I do not like grammar. Sorry again. Well no! This is my blog and my imaginary readers will just have to deal with the grammar situation.
On that note...
Goal: no purging for the week. If I can succeed then I will find it acceptable to go out to eat with my friends on my birthday if not then oh well no birthday dinner for my bulimia.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
How are you feeling these days?
Its spring break and I am home for the week seeing my friends and hanging with my family. It has been fun for the past few days but my mom is noticing the shift in my mood.
I realize that I have been quiet while being home for these past few days but I am having the worst time with food and being okay with it. I am pretty sure I don't want to talk about all of this with my parents though. I mean I am sure they are not naive and thinking that I have kept everything down that I have eaten since being here.
I have been starving for two days now and I have binged (spit and chew) once because I couldn't seem to imagine even being able to purge. I am very exhausted and dizzy.
I don't know what to tell my mom. I hate being asked questions. My birthday is not this Sunday but next Sunday. I am going to be 20 years old with an eating disorder. This makes me panic. I wish to be well but I know that that will not happen because I keep these behaviors close to my heart. I am also panicking because I have to see dr.schoon and I don't want to. I know that I have gained weight since seeing him last and I am not okay with that. I just don't know what to do! I am lost. What to say to her...?
I realize that I have been quiet while being home for these past few days but I am having the worst time with food and being okay with it. I am pretty sure I don't want to talk about all of this with my parents though. I mean I am sure they are not naive and thinking that I have kept everything down that I have eaten since being here.
I have been starving for two days now and I have binged (spit and chew) once because I couldn't seem to imagine even being able to purge. I am very exhausted and dizzy.
I don't know what to tell my mom. I hate being asked questions. My birthday is not this Sunday but next Sunday. I am going to be 20 years old with an eating disorder. This makes me panic. I wish to be well but I know that that will not happen because I keep these behaviors close to my heart. I am also panicking because I have to see dr.schoon and I don't want to. I know that I have gained weight since seeing him last and I am not okay with that. I just don't know what to do! I am lost. What to say to her...?
Friday, February 18, 2011
Its been a while...
I know that it has been a while since I have written anything here but that is because lately I have been putting pen to paper.
I also haven't written because I don't have anything positive to say.
So here is a brief summary (I hope) about what's been going on:
So after that failure post I basically went on my way with purging everything again. I basically just fell into a cycle of purging and restricting. All the while I had to keep seeing my school counselor and telling her lies about my eating because she has the ability to kick me out of school once again.
As I have talked about I was suppose to go get assessed at Walden but my PCP at home sucks so bad that he has done absolutely nothing to help my situation. My heath insurance has helped though by finding a therapist in network so I can see her without a referral 8 times before she can refer me to keep seeing her. I am one strep closer to getting better...
It was kind of weird seeing Ilana (therapist) and telling her all of these things. She made me think about all of the feelings that I have and what food represents to me. She told me that I am not crazy but I still feel really crazy.
Another thing that this week has brought was the ability to not be able to purge. I could binge but not purge. I don't know what was going on with my body for the past three days. I got home today and I ate like no other. Usually I am able to starve when I am home but even though I decided to want to come home I felt suffocated so I ate. GROSS. I had a huge issue purging so I basically thought I would never be able to get it all out but then I tried 3 fingers instead of just 2 and there came the food. Thank God! I mean I go to the gym everyday and work off about 800 calories which is less than I eat unless I binge but the gym doesn't make me feel better like purging does. I like to combine the two most days but that's another story.
I felt so out of control those 3 days when I couldn't purge. Today gave me back my control.
I feel like even though I am on my way to getting better I know that I am just not improving.
I still want to purge all the time
I want to be left alone
I don't want things to be this way
My friends have been up my ass lately for not eating with them at dinner but its whatever they don't know what is going on. I wish that things with them were easy.
My feelings for the past few days...
FAT
can't fit through door ways because I am so fat
worthless
hopeless
exhausted
failure
but then there are the tiny thoughts about hope that one day I hope will be able to overpower the negative...
Today I feel like it will be a better day...
I also haven't written because I don't have anything positive to say.
So here is a brief summary (I hope) about what's been going on:
So after that failure post I basically went on my way with purging everything again. I basically just fell into a cycle of purging and restricting. All the while I had to keep seeing my school counselor and telling her lies about my eating because she has the ability to kick me out of school once again.
As I have talked about I was suppose to go get assessed at Walden but my PCP at home sucks so bad that he has done absolutely nothing to help my situation. My heath insurance has helped though by finding a therapist in network so I can see her without a referral 8 times before she can refer me to keep seeing her. I am one strep closer to getting better...
It was kind of weird seeing Ilana (therapist) and telling her all of these things. She made me think about all of the feelings that I have and what food represents to me. She told me that I am not crazy but I still feel really crazy.
Another thing that this week has brought was the ability to not be able to purge. I could binge but not purge. I don't know what was going on with my body for the past three days. I got home today and I ate like no other. Usually I am able to starve when I am home but even though I decided to want to come home I felt suffocated so I ate. GROSS. I had a huge issue purging so I basically thought I would never be able to get it all out but then I tried 3 fingers instead of just 2 and there came the food. Thank God! I mean I go to the gym everyday and work off about 800 calories which is less than I eat unless I binge but the gym doesn't make me feel better like purging does. I like to combine the two most days but that's another story.
I felt so out of control those 3 days when I couldn't purge. Today gave me back my control.
I feel like even though I am on my way to getting better I know that I am just not improving.
I still want to purge all the time
I want to be left alone
I don't want things to be this way
My friends have been up my ass lately for not eating with them at dinner but its whatever they don't know what is going on. I wish that things with them were easy.
My feelings for the past few days...
FAT
can't fit through door ways because I am so fat
worthless
hopeless
exhausted
failure
but then there are the tiny thoughts about hope that one day I hope will be able to overpower the negative...
Today I feel like it will be a better day...
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Failures are huge
I had a good 6 days...
and now it is all down the drain...
I don't really know why I am such a failure. Why I don't want to seem to get better? I was doing so well for those six days but then the voice was so powerful and something within me took over. Today was such a major fail, from the moment I woke up I knew that I shouldn't have eaten. The food that me and my roomie went out to eat was good and I wasn't feeling the need to vomit but then we got back to the room and she left. I was there with myself and I binged.
Why did I fail?
Why am I a failure?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I wanting to stay sick?
Fuck you eating disorder...I will go to the gym tomorrow and work out and I will not be eating till Tuesday at the latest that is how much of a failure this day has been.
Why?
Will I ever get better?
A boy should not be able to trigger you so much. No one should be able to make you feel like crap. I hate you. I hate the voice inside my head. I hate this whole entire situation. I blame myself all the time but I know some of the blame can be put on you. I should of never let you touch me, I should of never let you off of the hook.
and then her comforting voice comes in and saves the day...
"Brae it will be alright. I will always be here with you. I will take away your stress and worries all you have to do is feed me but just remember to get rid of it in the end."
I hate you
I hate this
I hate tonight
I hate everything
I wish someone could say that I am not crazy. That I will get better.
I wish I could believe those someones.
But the approval I need is yours and I just can not have that because you trigger me like no other.
goodnight
and now it is all down the drain...
I don't really know why I am such a failure. Why I don't want to seem to get better? I was doing so well for those six days but then the voice was so powerful and something within me took over. Today was such a major fail, from the moment I woke up I knew that I shouldn't have eaten. The food that me and my roomie went out to eat was good and I wasn't feeling the need to vomit but then we got back to the room and she left. I was there with myself and I binged.
Why did I fail?
Why am I a failure?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I wanting to stay sick?
Fuck you eating disorder...I will go to the gym tomorrow and work out and I will not be eating till Tuesday at the latest that is how much of a failure this day has been.
Why?
Will I ever get better?
A boy should not be able to trigger you so much. No one should be able to make you feel like crap. I hate you. I hate the voice inside my head. I hate this whole entire situation. I blame myself all the time but I know some of the blame can be put on you. I should of never let you touch me, I should of never let you off of the hook.
and then her comforting voice comes in and saves the day...
"Brae it will be alright. I will always be here with you. I will take away your stress and worries all you have to do is feed me but just remember to get rid of it in the end."
I hate you
I hate this
I hate tonight
I hate everything
I wish someone could say that I am not crazy. That I will get better.
I wish I could believe those someones.
But the approval I need is yours and I just can not have that because you trigger me like no other.
goodnight
Monday, January 31, 2011
Help attained/Who am I?
After four long and stressful years I decided that enough was enough. I finally decided that the shameful secret must come out. That I could no longer listen to this eating disordered voice in my head. I could no longer concentrate because of how loud the voice was getting. I was no longer able to hold up the carefully crafted facade that I had kept for many years.
I went to the counselor and she talked to me about everything and finally I could breathe again. My mom and dad both know but don't truly understand and they are both emotional wrecks but they did well with seeing me this weekend.
It has been a tough week, from being threatened to be kicked out of school, to having to see my parents and be home. Also all the doctor appointments/screenings that I had to happen. Well I will either be getting evaluated at children's hospital or Walden behavioral care sometime this week or next.
I am anxious because my future hangs in the balance.
I am also ready for the help I so desperately need.
I hope with all of my might that I can get better.
but can someone just answer me this...
Who am I without my eating disorder?
I went to the counselor and she talked to me about everything and finally I could breathe again. My mom and dad both know but don't truly understand and they are both emotional wrecks but they did well with seeing me this weekend.
It has been a tough week, from being threatened to be kicked out of school, to having to see my parents and be home. Also all the doctor appointments/screenings that I had to happen. Well I will either be getting evaluated at children's hospital or Walden behavioral care sometime this week or next.
I am anxious because my future hangs in the balance.
I am also ready for the help I so desperately need.
I hope with all of my might that I can get better.
but can someone just answer me this...
Who am I without my eating disorder?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Needing help...
So I am thinking that I may go and get some help at my school's counseling center.
I am so sick and tired of fighting this demon all by myself...granted people know that I have this eating disorder but they don't know that it is more alive in me than ever.
I can't fight with myself anymore...
I know that most days I don't feel sick or seem sick but I know that the blood flow coming out while I purge is not a good thing, it is not a normal thing.
I hate that I feel this way about myself. I hate that I am afraid to seek help. I hate everything about my life with this eating disorder of mine.
I swear I suck so much. I swear that I am useless, worthless, just a waste of space. I suck so much. I am weak. I do not have the strength to battle this situation. Most days I would like to give up or forget that something is even wrong but then I find myself at the toilet leaning down and enduring the pain in the back of my mouth. My poor body must hate me. My friends must hate me I know I take extra long showers but that is just so you don't have to hear me purge.
My friends are better and more accepting than I give them credit for. I know this. I still cannot have them find out. I am not sick enough. My mind is playing tricks on me. I am perfectly healthy...
I need help. I know. I don't want anyone to find out though.
I don't need help. I am perfectly healthy...
oh the lies we tell ourselves...
I am so sick and tired of fighting this demon all by myself...granted people know that I have this eating disorder but they don't know that it is more alive in me than ever.
I can't fight with myself anymore...
I know that most days I don't feel sick or seem sick but I know that the blood flow coming out while I purge is not a good thing, it is not a normal thing.
I hate that I feel this way about myself. I hate that I am afraid to seek help. I hate everything about my life with this eating disorder of mine.
I swear I suck so much. I swear that I am useless, worthless, just a waste of space. I suck so much. I am weak. I do not have the strength to battle this situation. Most days I would like to give up or forget that something is even wrong but then I find myself at the toilet leaning down and enduring the pain in the back of my mouth. My poor body must hate me. My friends must hate me I know I take extra long showers but that is just so you don't have to hear me purge.
My friends are better and more accepting than I give them credit for. I know this. I still cannot have them find out. I am not sick enough. My mind is playing tricks on me. I am perfectly healthy...
I need help. I know. I don't want anyone to find out though.
I don't need help. I am perfectly healthy...
oh the lies we tell ourselves...
Friday, January 21, 2011
School...
So it was the first week of classes...
Everything went well but school is not good for my eating disorder.
I had to figure out my schedule and it does not agree with my eating disorder.
I figured out that I cannot have lunch on Tuesday or Thursday. Well unless I eat lunch at like 11 because I have class at one and purging is very hard to do in 5 minutes especially when I need to make sure everything is out of my stomach. People have noticed my weight loss but I don't celebrate that fact because that just means that I am sicker than I thought. I mean my eating disorder is happy about it but the logical side of me says that is not something to be proud of.
Purging dinner is never a hard thing. I always take a shower after dinner and thats when I do it. No one can hear me at least I think they can't and if they have then they have to say something to me. They are the kind of friends that would though so I am not worried. My disorder is not agreeing with me lately all I want to do is stop but she won't let me ( I won't let me). I have been talking to my friend here at school and I told her everything that has been going on but the appropriate story. I told her that my bulimia has come back but my mom and doctor know so I am trying to get better. She understands the voice in my head because she has binge eating disorder or at least symptoms of it. She and I made a pact that this week she wouldn't eat junk food and I wouldn't purge. I said that it was reasonable but I failed that night as I have failed everyday this week. I will of course tell her that I succeeded to get her off my case but really why do I need to lie? Why does she come out every time I try to tell the truth. She just won't die. I have been looking at treatment centers but I don't believe I am sick...I also don't want my parents to know but they will. Fuck Life.
Well I went on a pretty awful binge today...Oh well really I had purged dinner and then purged some buger king and dunkin donuts all the while knowing that I tore my throat. I suck I know. My head is throbbing and my throat is so very sore. But whatever...
My friend and I are hanging tonight and I can not hide the fact that I am feeling sickish I hope that she just doesn't think that I went back on our pact because she did so very well this week. I wonder why the voice in my head is so much more louder than hers. She can control hers for a least a week where as I can not. I am losing weight and getting chipmunk cheeks, I am so very attractive... so gross...
Whatever I am still happy to be at school so I guess that is good =)
Everything went well but school is not good for my eating disorder.
I had to figure out my schedule and it does not agree with my eating disorder.
I figured out that I cannot have lunch on Tuesday or Thursday. Well unless I eat lunch at like 11 because I have class at one and purging is very hard to do in 5 minutes especially when I need to make sure everything is out of my stomach. People have noticed my weight loss but I don't celebrate that fact because that just means that I am sicker than I thought. I mean my eating disorder is happy about it but the logical side of me says that is not something to be proud of.
Purging dinner is never a hard thing. I always take a shower after dinner and thats when I do it. No one can hear me at least I think they can't and if they have then they have to say something to me. They are the kind of friends that would though so I am not worried. My disorder is not agreeing with me lately all I want to do is stop but she won't let me ( I won't let me). I have been talking to my friend here at school and I told her everything that has been going on but the appropriate story. I told her that my bulimia has come back but my mom and doctor know so I am trying to get better. She understands the voice in my head because she has binge eating disorder or at least symptoms of it. She and I made a pact that this week she wouldn't eat junk food and I wouldn't purge. I said that it was reasonable but I failed that night as I have failed everyday this week. I will of course tell her that I succeeded to get her off my case but really why do I need to lie? Why does she come out every time I try to tell the truth. She just won't die. I have been looking at treatment centers but I don't believe I am sick...I also don't want my parents to know but they will. Fuck Life.
Well I went on a pretty awful binge today...Oh well really I had purged dinner and then purged some buger king and dunkin donuts all the while knowing that I tore my throat. I suck I know. My head is throbbing and my throat is so very sore. But whatever...
My friend and I are hanging tonight and I can not hide the fact that I am feeling sickish I hope that she just doesn't think that I went back on our pact because she did so very well this week. I wonder why the voice in my head is so much more louder than hers. She can control hers for a least a week where as I can not. I am losing weight and getting chipmunk cheeks, I am so very attractive... so gross...
Whatever I am still happy to be at school so I guess that is good =)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So out with the bad and in with the good...
No more upsetting thoughts for now I have put them to rest because this is me saying that I am not sick and I am just fine. That I can stop this awful "habit" whenever I so please. So don't worry all is right in the world once again because, dare I say it, I am not sick.
I wish.
Whatever. I have been in a happy go lucky mood for the past two days and I hope to keep it that way. I guess this is because...well I don't know why I am in such a happy mood. I am back at school now so maybe that is why. I am no longer home and that makes me happy? I guess. Well I am still purging after every meal and that is not good but its not stopping. I have lost the "I don't care to fight" attitude that I was hosting for a few days. I am still willing to fight this but for now let it take its course and maybe people will see that I need help but until then...sick brae is thinking she is healthy brae.
So I say to you once more, world...I am not sick.
I wish.
Whatever. I have been in a happy go lucky mood for the past two days and I hope to keep it that way. I guess this is because...well I don't know why I am in such a happy mood. I am back at school now so maybe that is why. I am no longer home and that makes me happy? I guess. Well I am still purging after every meal and that is not good but its not stopping. I have lost the "I don't care to fight" attitude that I was hosting for a few days. I am still willing to fight this but for now let it take its course and maybe people will see that I need help but until then...sick brae is thinking she is healthy brae.
So I say to you once more, world...I am not sick.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Man vs. Food
I realize that somedays my behaviors toward food is not at all normal but most days I don't think anything is all that wrong with me. I think that oh it doesn't matter that I threw up that meal I just felt really full, it was a reasonable decision. And it doesn't help that a doctor has not diagnosed me so I can further convince myself that I am not at all sick and I am just normal.
But when I watch people eat and see them "keep it down" I ask myself why I can't be like them and her voice kicks in and says that I am already fat and take up to much space to eat that way and just keep it all down. When I look at people I don't think they are fat. I mean I have bigger friends and I think that they are beautiful just the way they are so why on earth can I not think that way about myself? Her voice is always there to answer my questions and it makes sense what she says even if she contradicts herself it still always makes sense.
Yesterday and today were good-ish days. Yesterday started off terribly with the awful binge early in the am but then I avoided food all day. Usually when people ask if I would like food I tell them yes because saying no to food is a big hard task to complete, but I was out with with my bestie and he offered me pizza and I said no. I said no! It was a great feat. Then I came home and my mom was in a pissy mood and yelling and we had pizza but I didn't touch it even though she was stressing me out a lot. Then I actually went to bed and stayed asleep of course woke up at 5 but it was all good because I woke up saying I would not binge or purge. I had a hard time with that saying of course by like 12 but I was like no I wont eat. I did just end up eating though for the first time today and I had a small portion like I always do and I had some apple cobbler needless to say I purged. I needed to. I couldn't keep dinner down. I didn't intend to. That is the only time that the voice allows me peace because she knows that I will always purge up dinner, I never fail. This is why I consider myself to have bulimarexia when I have those clear moments of thoughts. I don't want to jinx myself though and end up binging later tonight though...
I believe that my mom is trying to sabotage me or at least that is what the voice thinks. She asked me to eat the rice pudding and I was like why don't you and she said she had gained some weight and she feels uncomfortable and she doesn't want to eat it. I was like do you want me to get fat? (As if I am not already fat enough goodness). She said no and she plans to throw it out. Thank goodness that pudding is leaving this house seeing it in my fridge was like seeing my worst nightmare. Then another thing my mom did was take away the tea because she likes it and there was only a few more bags left. That is the only other thing that I drink in this house besides water because I don't have to count calories. She is trying to drive me nuts but the logical side of me says that it all makes perfect sense and she is not trying to sabotage you. I wish that logical side was with me all the time.
I tore my esophagus today. I don't understand because I cut my nails, I guess I will just have to cut them shorter this time. I hate blood and how it tastes. I am an awful person and I hope that maybe one day people can forgive me for what I have done. I don't really mind the smell of barf anymore which I guess is understandable because I have been doing this for so long. I have to keep remembering to drink water because I have passed out too many times this week and if people were to see that when I went to school then they would know something is wrong. Not like they won't anyways this time around but I am a really good liar at least I was at this point in time I really don't care to hide it. I mean I spit and chewed in the kitchen two days ago and everyone was up and they could have easily seen me. And tonight after I puked my dinner up I just went down stairs and talked to my mom without washing my hands which were drenched in the smell. I just don't care. I hope that this nonchalant attitude of mine hurries up and passes because I have to go back to school tomorrow and I have to start coming up with good excuses for my behaviors.
The best part about my friends at school know that I am in "recovery" and know that I can relapse and know that I will "call" my mother and get "help". So you know if they ever find out then I can just be like yeah me and my "doctor and mom" are working on it. So I think that will tide them over for at least a little while. I don't even think I am going to try to eat dinner at school because really it is never that good to let go of my control. I never feel the need to binge or even eat at school I just eat a bit to keep my friends happy. I am sick of trying to keep people happy when I can't even make myself happy. Its not worth it. Of course she says that I am crazy and I have to protect our secret so she can stay with me longer. I don't know. I feel like I am crazy talking about this voice in my head but its there and might as well be known. I can't fight her. I won't get help. I am tried of fighting as much as I do. I don't eat all day and when dinner comes around I get rid of it. I am a hopeless case and sometimes I can see my future and other times I can't. I always said I would die young.
On weird notes:
I wish I could be like Adam Richman and enjoy food like he does. Reason for this thought is because while avoiding food today I watched Man vs. Food which he is the host of and he really seems to enjoy food. My favorite thing about that show is that seeing him eat makes me disgusted so I get sick-ish and I no longer concentrate on the food that I can not have. It acts as both a food porn and food repellent. It is the greatest show in the world. I also am pretty jealous of how he can eat all that food and not be obese. I mean he is bigger but not obese. I believe if I eat a celementine and don't get rid of it I will automatically like magic become obese. I know that must sound like the biggest craziest idea but it makes sense to me. I wish that I could be as carefree as him. I am jealous. I am often jealous of lots of people though for how they can just be normal. But I know I can not be normal so I just have to deal with it.
Off topic:
While with my bestie I was complaining with about my roomie at school because she was texting me and telling me how she was drinking and I was like when I get to school she is gonna want to drink with me and I am going to have to tell her I can't. I went on to say then she will get mad at me but I already have enough issues with food and I don't need to start counting calories in alcohol. My bestie just seemed to not hear that part of the sentence and went on to say your roomie has problems. Well that is the last time I try to tell him anything eating disordered related. She told me I was lucky that he skipped over that part. I was trying to let him know granted I probably would have lied to him and told him my mom already knew but then again who knows. I am just tried of fighting.
I wrote a lot here so if anyone reads I am sorry it is so long and all over the place.
I go back to school tomorrow so I must pack then run then sleep.
so tried of fighting all the time...
But when I watch people eat and see them "keep it down" I ask myself why I can't be like them and her voice kicks in and says that I am already fat and take up to much space to eat that way and just keep it all down. When I look at people I don't think they are fat. I mean I have bigger friends and I think that they are beautiful just the way they are so why on earth can I not think that way about myself? Her voice is always there to answer my questions and it makes sense what she says even if she contradicts herself it still always makes sense.
Yesterday and today were good-ish days. Yesterday started off terribly with the awful binge early in the am but then I avoided food all day. Usually when people ask if I would like food I tell them yes because saying no to food is a big hard task to complete, but I was out with with my bestie and he offered me pizza and I said no. I said no! It was a great feat. Then I came home and my mom was in a pissy mood and yelling and we had pizza but I didn't touch it even though she was stressing me out a lot. Then I actually went to bed and stayed asleep of course woke up at 5 but it was all good because I woke up saying I would not binge or purge. I had a hard time with that saying of course by like 12 but I was like no I wont eat. I did just end up eating though for the first time today and I had a small portion like I always do and I had some apple cobbler needless to say I purged. I needed to. I couldn't keep dinner down. I didn't intend to. That is the only time that the voice allows me peace because she knows that I will always purge up dinner, I never fail. This is why I consider myself to have bulimarexia when I have those clear moments of thoughts. I don't want to jinx myself though and end up binging later tonight though...
I believe that my mom is trying to sabotage me or at least that is what the voice thinks. She asked me to eat the rice pudding and I was like why don't you and she said she had gained some weight and she feels uncomfortable and she doesn't want to eat it. I was like do you want me to get fat? (As if I am not already fat enough goodness). She said no and she plans to throw it out. Thank goodness that pudding is leaving this house seeing it in my fridge was like seeing my worst nightmare. Then another thing my mom did was take away the tea because she likes it and there was only a few more bags left. That is the only other thing that I drink in this house besides water because I don't have to count calories. She is trying to drive me nuts but the logical side of me says that it all makes perfect sense and she is not trying to sabotage you. I wish that logical side was with me all the time.
I tore my esophagus today. I don't understand because I cut my nails, I guess I will just have to cut them shorter this time. I hate blood and how it tastes. I am an awful person and I hope that maybe one day people can forgive me for what I have done. I don't really mind the smell of barf anymore which I guess is understandable because I have been doing this for so long. I have to keep remembering to drink water because I have passed out too many times this week and if people were to see that when I went to school then they would know something is wrong. Not like they won't anyways this time around but I am a really good liar at least I was at this point in time I really don't care to hide it. I mean I spit and chewed in the kitchen two days ago and everyone was up and they could have easily seen me. And tonight after I puked my dinner up I just went down stairs and talked to my mom without washing my hands which were drenched in the smell. I just don't care. I hope that this nonchalant attitude of mine hurries up and passes because I have to go back to school tomorrow and I have to start coming up with good excuses for my behaviors.
The best part about my friends at school know that I am in "recovery" and know that I can relapse and know that I will "call" my mother and get "help". So you know if they ever find out then I can just be like yeah me and my "doctor and mom" are working on it. So I think that will tide them over for at least a little while. I don't even think I am going to try to eat dinner at school because really it is never that good to let go of my control. I never feel the need to binge or even eat at school I just eat a bit to keep my friends happy. I am sick of trying to keep people happy when I can't even make myself happy. Its not worth it. Of course she says that I am crazy and I have to protect our secret so she can stay with me longer. I don't know. I feel like I am crazy talking about this voice in my head but its there and might as well be known. I can't fight her. I won't get help. I am tried of fighting as much as I do. I don't eat all day and when dinner comes around I get rid of it. I am a hopeless case and sometimes I can see my future and other times I can't. I always said I would die young.
On weird notes:
I wish I could be like Adam Richman and enjoy food like he does. Reason for this thought is because while avoiding food today I watched Man vs. Food which he is the host of and he really seems to enjoy food. My favorite thing about that show is that seeing him eat makes me disgusted so I get sick-ish and I no longer concentrate on the food that I can not have. It acts as both a food porn and food repellent. It is the greatest show in the world. I also am pretty jealous of how he can eat all that food and not be obese. I mean he is bigger but not obese. I believe if I eat a celementine and don't get rid of it I will automatically like magic become obese. I know that must sound like the biggest craziest idea but it makes sense to me. I wish that I could be as carefree as him. I am jealous. I am often jealous of lots of people though for how they can just be normal. But I know I can not be normal so I just have to deal with it.
Off topic:
While with my bestie I was complaining with about my roomie at school because she was texting me and telling me how she was drinking and I was like when I get to school she is gonna want to drink with me and I am going to have to tell her I can't. I went on to say then she will get mad at me but I already have enough issues with food and I don't need to start counting calories in alcohol. My bestie just seemed to not hear that part of the sentence and went on to say your roomie has problems. Well that is the last time I try to tell him anything eating disordered related. She told me I was lucky that he skipped over that part. I was trying to let him know granted I probably would have lied to him and told him my mom already knew but then again who knows. I am just tried of fighting.
I wrote a lot here so if anyone reads I am sorry it is so long and all over the place.
I go back to school tomorrow so I must pack then run then sleep.
so tried of fighting all the time...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Contradictions
The voice comes out starting as a whisper but progresses to a scream.
She says eat and eat now. Eat anything you can get your hands on.
She says that it is good for me, that I will be a whole person again. That what was taken from me could be returned as long as I eat.
She says that it doesn’t matter if I am a vegetarian because the meat tastes so much better. She says it’s okay because I have avoided meat for months, so it is all okay.
She says go on just one bite…so one bite leads to two bites then three and so on until I can no longer find the strength to chew.
I sit there anxiously awaiting the shrill screams of her voice to kick in.
She yells, YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WHO THE HELL SAID YOU COULD EAT?
She yells, WHO TOLD YOU, YOU DESERVED TO EAT?
She yells YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF!
She yells, YOU ARE TOO BROKEN TO FIX, YOU WILL NEVER BE WHOLE!
She yells, GO ON, GO GET RID OF IT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO!
I head to the bathroom. The toilet is waiting for me, just like it always has.
She yells, GO ON NOW. YOU FAT FUCKING PIG. NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO EAT, SO NOW YOU MUST GET RID OF IT. AT LEAST DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE.
Here it comes. All the food consumed is easily regurgitated.
She says you are disgusting.
She says no one will ever love you.
No “job well done” or “finally you did something right”, instead…
She says you are such a failure at life.
She says you are probably such a failure that you didn’t even puke it all up.
She says, go run! Go run now!
She says, run until your heart gives out.
I run until I can no longer breathe.
Once again no “good jobs” or “congratulations”
She says you suck. Who cares if you couldn’t breathe? Others can run longer than you. You are broken and will never be whole.
My eating disorder, my voice
You told me to eat, but you are right I am a failure.
You told me I could be whole again if I ate, but you are right I am broken beyond repair.
You never say good job and probably never will, but I keep striving for your approval.
Just like the toilet you are my constant, a voice that never goes away and is always there when I need you the least.
I am broken and will never be fixed but with you, you say I can be whole but take it back.
You are so indecisive. I will never win.
She says, that’s right just give up now. You are a failure and will never win.
The horrible, awful day begins...
So first off I have to say that I write an awful lot for someone with no audience. I realize that I am basically just talking to myself here but it is way better than having full on conversations with ana/mia, so i'll keep writing and posting.
Second part. It is 8:35 am and today has already been a disaster. I have already binged and purged/spit and chewed two times. I mean it started off with me eating some rice pudding which I love. It was only half a cup of it but I remembered that my mom had put a ton of creamer in it so I couldn't imagine keeping it down. So after that I was like fuck it if I am going to throw it up anyways I might as well keep eating or at least that was the nice version of what my eating disorder was saying. "You are a fat fucking pig, why do you even try? You might as well eat everything now since you just will get rid of it all. YOU WILL GET RID OF IT ALL!" Yeah the horror. So I went on and ate then purged. Then I spit and chewed on a few things but that failed when I swallowed some chocolate. Then the voice in my head went off again this time alarms ringing and yelling. "FUCK IT YOU FAT PIG! YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY AWAY FROM THE KISS AND YOU WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED BUT NO YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE" So there came the next purge. I hate this. All the while I had two celementimes and lots of pickles. It is amazing how pickles are so easy to eat when I do not have to worry about calories another binge food to add to the list. I ran for a collective hour and a half because I kept getting scared of the calories in the celementimes. I have been driving myself crazy all day and it really hasn't even started yet.
Second part. It is 8:35 am and today has already been a disaster. I have already binged and purged/spit and chewed two times. I mean it started off with me eating some rice pudding which I love. It was only half a cup of it but I remembered that my mom had put a ton of creamer in it so I couldn't imagine keeping it down. So after that I was like fuck it if I am going to throw it up anyways I might as well keep eating or at least that was the nice version of what my eating disorder was saying. "You are a fat fucking pig, why do you even try? You might as well eat everything now since you just will get rid of it all. YOU WILL GET RID OF IT ALL!" Yeah the horror. So I went on and ate then purged. Then I spit and chewed on a few things but that failed when I swallowed some chocolate. Then the voice in my head went off again this time alarms ringing and yelling. "FUCK IT YOU FAT PIG! YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY AWAY FROM THE KISS AND YOU WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED BUT NO YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE" So there came the next purge. I hate this. All the while I had two celementimes and lots of pickles. It is amazing how pickles are so easy to eat when I do not have to worry about calories another binge food to add to the list. I ran for a collective hour and a half because I kept getting scared of the calories in the celementimes. I have been driving myself crazy all day and it really hasn't even started yet.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Attack! at the dinner table
So funny story (not really)...
Mom and I made dinner tonight and I got to wear the cute little apron that I love and we got to talk. Of course all the while when I was talking to her I thought about telling her about my eating disorder. Of course I didn't tell her but at least I am that much closer to telling her. The dinner was spaghetti and it was down right unhealthy for me to eat because I knew that I would purge because it is like my favorite dinner.
I sat down at my dinner table with my siblings and I am thinking that maybe I will get through this dinner and just go keep busy so I can keep it down. Then the shit-show came to town. My sisters ganged up on me and told me that I do nothing at all around the house. I do a lot of things around the house but it is whatever. It would have not bothered me as much if it was only one of them yelling at me but it was both of them. When they gang up on you pretty much are going to lose and feel like shit afterwards. This was not the first time today that they got on my case but I can't help the way they feel about me. I avoid them like I avoid food because all I hear from them when I come home is that they don't want me at home and to go back to school. My dad and mom are never much help when my sisters are on my case. My dad just says that they are jealous that I got out of the house and they have to stay. But I don't really believe that because our house is not that bad.
Long story short I purged. My siblings stress me out a ton. I think that is pretty sad that I avoid them like I do food and I wonder how they would feel if I ever said that to them but I don't think I ever will because I love them too much.
Concerns: I think that my safe food list has just dwindled...I have avoided celmentines for the past week because I am afraid of binging on them. I really have two at a time which is not bad but I feel like that is a binge and I have to get it out which I hate. I hate purging citrus things...I need to find more safe foods or else the only thing that I am keeping down is olong tea with splenda and water.
Bulimarexia
I hate that everything that I eat must come out and I hate that I can't brush my teeth straight after. I hate being sick. I hate that no one knows. I hate that I like the fact that no one knows. I hate that I am not at all logical. I hate that I cannot be normal. I hate that I get to be a statistic. I hate that when people find out what I have been doing and knowing that I lied to them will look at me differently. I hate everything about this eating disorder.
On the bright side of things I do have those moments where I tell myself that I will get better. I tell myself that today will be the day when I tell my parents. I also have great friends who I need to have more faith in and realize when they find out they will stay by my side.
I should go to bed but not before running...
Mom and I made dinner tonight and I got to wear the cute little apron that I love and we got to talk. Of course all the while when I was talking to her I thought about telling her about my eating disorder. Of course I didn't tell her but at least I am that much closer to telling her. The dinner was spaghetti and it was down right unhealthy for me to eat because I knew that I would purge because it is like my favorite dinner.
I sat down at my dinner table with my siblings and I am thinking that maybe I will get through this dinner and just go keep busy so I can keep it down. Then the shit-show came to town. My sisters ganged up on me and told me that I do nothing at all around the house. I do a lot of things around the house but it is whatever. It would have not bothered me as much if it was only one of them yelling at me but it was both of them. When they gang up on you pretty much are going to lose and feel like shit afterwards. This was not the first time today that they got on my case but I can't help the way they feel about me. I avoid them like I avoid food because all I hear from them when I come home is that they don't want me at home and to go back to school. My dad and mom are never much help when my sisters are on my case. My dad just says that they are jealous that I got out of the house and they have to stay. But I don't really believe that because our house is not that bad.
Long story short I purged. My siblings stress me out a ton. I think that is pretty sad that I avoid them like I do food and I wonder how they would feel if I ever said that to them but I don't think I ever will because I love them too much.
Concerns: I think that my safe food list has just dwindled...I have avoided celmentines for the past week because I am afraid of binging on them. I really have two at a time which is not bad but I feel like that is a binge and I have to get it out which I hate. I hate purging citrus things...I need to find more safe foods or else the only thing that I am keeping down is olong tea with splenda and water.
Bulimarexia
I hate that everything that I eat must come out and I hate that I can't brush my teeth straight after. I hate being sick. I hate that no one knows. I hate that I like the fact that no one knows. I hate that I am not at all logical. I hate that I cannot be normal. I hate that I get to be a statistic. I hate that when people find out what I have been doing and knowing that I lied to them will look at me differently. I hate everything about this eating disorder.
On the bright side of things I do have those moments where I tell myself that I will get better. I tell myself that today will be the day when I tell my parents. I also have great friends who I need to have more faith in and realize when they find out they will stay by my side.
I should go to bed but not before running...
Today's thoughts and concerns
Spit and chew
Binge and purge
Its all I do...
I get off break in a few days and go back to school Monday. I am excited because I am getting out of this house and in the city. I love the city and I feel free there and I can just escape. I can't escape when I am not home because there is no where to go. In the city I will be free to go off on my own and thank goodness for that.
I often escape in the grocery store. I know where everything in Shaws is, I can spend hours in this store. I always go in this store and look at all the isles. I am a weary shopper too. I can go into the store and fill up my shopping basket but by the end of the day I leave the store with either nothing or one item. My friends get super annoyed when they come shopping with me because I have to look at everything and then I never buy anything. I always tell them it is because I am indecisive which isn't a lie but the main reason is because I love imagining how the food will taste.
I love looking at food and putting it in my basket and just imagining myself eating it and how good it will taste. I love imagining myself baking it and smelling it. I just love the feeling but by the end of that "fantasy" I put the food back because the voice in my head tells me how I don't deserve it. At home I love to look at all of the cookbooks that my mom has around the house because she is a big baker. I love to bake and cook but I also hate it. I love the smell of everything but I get so upset because I can hear that voice in my head that says you cannot eat this, you don't deserve it. I do end up eating all the baked goods and then having to purge them.
I wish that I could bake all the time without getting out of control...
I sometimes think that getting back to school is going to make things easier and I am probably right. I will probably be able to get away with a lot more things. But while I am thinking of this I realize that going to school is just going to make me sicker if no one finds out. I am afraid of what will happen in the near future...
rice pudding gone
thank god for 16 calorie candy...
I only purged once today and it wasn't a big meal. At least it was only once...
I only purged once today and it wasn't a big meal. At least it was only once...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Things I hate the most...
I think that worst part of my eating disorder is the fact that when I am home I have to hide upstairs in my room to keep away from the kitchen. My family does not know about my eating disorder so the house is stocked with all the binge foods that I love. I wish that I had a good mind set about food and wasn't absolutely terrified to go into the kitchen. It is not so much that I am afraid of eating the food right when I see it but I know that I will look at it long enough for it to become my craving.
Another thing that I hate the most about this eating disorder is that I will avoid certain friends because I know that I will have to eat around them. I love hanging with these friends but I know that when with them we tend to eat and I don't want to be a pig in front of them nor do I want to have to run to the bathroom and let the water run. I hung out with them two nights ago and I ate a spaghetti dinner and it killed me that I couldn't purge at the end of it. I felt so angry with myself for eating that when I got home I ended up binging on everything and then purging. I don't know why I thought that eating more would help me feel better but I ended up purging everything even some of the spaghetti dinner.
I hate that yesterday morning I couldn't enjoy the donuts that my mom bought because I would have binged on them if I could so I ended up spitting and chewing the one donut that I had. Spitting and chewing is so gross but it is the only other thing I can do besides puke. I hate purging sometimes. I hate that I feel so ashamed about it and I see spitting and chewing as a better solution but even that can hurt your body. Sometimes I would just like to be normal. The voice in my head says I can't be normal because I don't deserve that just like I don't deserve food.
I know that I write like a maniac but things go through my head a mile a minute and that's how I write.
I don't like how I care what others will think. With people knowing about my "recovery" is easy because they think I am better and don't act strange around me. If they were to find out that I lied to them they would be so upset with me. I hate how I care about what they say when I am the one who could actually end up dying from this. I am most fearful of what my mom will say or do. I have made her out to be a great person to my friends who thinks she knows about my disorder but that is how I want her to act, it probably won't end up going the way I want it too. All I know is that I kind of want to be the one to tell her because I need to control that situation and play it to my advantage.
Oh control what you have done to me I can not explain...
All I know is that today is going to be a hard day because no one is going to be home and we have delicious food...
Wish me luck...
Another thing that I hate the most about this eating disorder is that I will avoid certain friends because I know that I will have to eat around them. I love hanging with these friends but I know that when with them we tend to eat and I don't want to be a pig in front of them nor do I want to have to run to the bathroom and let the water run. I hung out with them two nights ago and I ate a spaghetti dinner and it killed me that I couldn't purge at the end of it. I felt so angry with myself for eating that when I got home I ended up binging on everything and then purging. I don't know why I thought that eating more would help me feel better but I ended up purging everything even some of the spaghetti dinner.
I hate that yesterday morning I couldn't enjoy the donuts that my mom bought because I would have binged on them if I could so I ended up spitting and chewing the one donut that I had. Spitting and chewing is so gross but it is the only other thing I can do besides puke. I hate purging sometimes. I hate that I feel so ashamed about it and I see spitting and chewing as a better solution but even that can hurt your body. Sometimes I would just like to be normal. The voice in my head says I can't be normal because I don't deserve that just like I don't deserve food.
I know that I write like a maniac but things go through my head a mile a minute and that's how I write.
I don't like how I care what others will think. With people knowing about my "recovery" is easy because they think I am better and don't act strange around me. If they were to find out that I lied to them they would be so upset with me. I hate how I care about what they say when I am the one who could actually end up dying from this. I am most fearful of what my mom will say or do. I have made her out to be a great person to my friends who thinks she knows about my disorder but that is how I want her to act, it probably won't end up going the way I want it too. All I know is that I kind of want to be the one to tell her because I need to control that situation and play it to my advantage.
Oh control what you have done to me I can not explain...
All I know is that today is going to be a hard day because no one is going to be home and we have delicious food...
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Basic beginnings
I am in my second year of college and I feel as if I will never escape this eating disorder. No one knows that I still have one and/or ever did have one. The few people that do know about my eating disorder think that I have been in recovery. They also think that I would tell them if I ever relapsed. They only reason why these certain few people know is because I had to explain my eating habits. Telling them helped a bit as an outlet although I explained my eating disorder in past tense. I was able to get things off my chest without setting off alarms and I was able to eat the way I wanted because they understood that I was "recovering".
I can't have any of them know the truth. I don't want to give up my secret. I don't want them to think I am disgusting, I don't want them to pity me. At the same time I wish that someone had the ability to make the voices saying that I am not good enough go away. I once was better in my senior year of high school. I didn't binge as much so I didn't purge as much I also didn't restrict my foods. I just ate what I thought I could handle and kept on that way. Freshman in college though, I started to feel out of control and the binging and purging got increasingly worse. The summer before my second year of college was the worse though because my home life was increasingly stressful and I felt out of control more so than I was when I was in school.
Now I am in my second year of college and on winter break which is thankfully ended. I have began restricting my foods and when I do eat I puke it all up. I do not have many foods that I can keep down and for the past 2 months I have found purging to be exhausting so I have basically just stopped eating. Of course my mother is oblivious and can't see what is going on besides the fact that I have lost some weight but she thinks that is because I have been going to the gym more and eating better. Oh man is she in for a surprise when she finds out.
Although I do not enjoy my teeth rotting and having constant dizzy spells, I rather no one found out about my secret. This is the only thing I control...I don't want to die...
I wonder when people will start to see the seriousness of the matter and what they will think of me afterwards. I wonder if I will ever be able to get help on my own...
Well I just need somewhere to get this all out and I am positive no one will read because I am not telling any one about this blog. I need to keep this a secret and basically for me but if perhaps you stumbled upon this let me know I am not alone...
xoxo
I can't have any of them know the truth. I don't want to give up my secret. I don't want them to think I am disgusting, I don't want them to pity me. At the same time I wish that someone had the ability to make the voices saying that I am not good enough go away. I once was better in my senior year of high school. I didn't binge as much so I didn't purge as much I also didn't restrict my foods. I just ate what I thought I could handle and kept on that way. Freshman in college though, I started to feel out of control and the binging and purging got increasingly worse. The summer before my second year of college was the worse though because my home life was increasingly stressful and I felt out of control more so than I was when I was in school.
Now I am in my second year of college and on winter break which is thankfully ended. I have began restricting my foods and when I do eat I puke it all up. I do not have many foods that I can keep down and for the past 2 months I have found purging to be exhausting so I have basically just stopped eating. Of course my mother is oblivious and can't see what is going on besides the fact that I have lost some weight but she thinks that is because I have been going to the gym more and eating better. Oh man is she in for a surprise when she finds out.
Although I do not enjoy my teeth rotting and having constant dizzy spells, I rather no one found out about my secret. This is the only thing I control...I don't want to die...
I wonder when people will start to see the seriousness of the matter and what they will think of me afterwards. I wonder if I will ever be able to get help on my own...
Well I just need somewhere to get this all out and I am positive no one will read because I am not telling any one about this blog. I need to keep this a secret and basically for me but if perhaps you stumbled upon this let me know I am not alone...
xoxo
Safe foods and binge foods...
Binge Foods:
- Rice cakes *
- Chocolate any thing
- Cake
- Brownies
- Cookies
- Salt and vinegar chips
- Green olives
- Soda
- BREAD! Any kind of bread, OMG bread!
o Portuguese bread
o French bread
o Garlic bread
o Foccia bread
o White bread
o Onion bagels
- Candy. Any type of candy
- Ice cream
- Frozen yogurt
- Tostitos and cheese dip
- Donuts
- Tea with sugar
- Any fast food especially fries from MacDonald’s
- Pizza
- Special K fruit bars*
- Tea with splenda
- Clementine*
- Water
I have a lot of binge foods and that’s probably not even all of them. I just binge on a lot of things when I can get my hands on them. Bread is always a staple in my house so that of course I must stay away from on a daily basis. I don’t have many safe foods. I guess fruit is always a safe food if I had any other fruits. I try not to binge and most times I succeed.
*these foods can either be safe or binge worthy; it just depends on the day.
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