So first off I have to say that I write an awful lot for someone with no audience. I realize that I am basically just talking to myself here but it is way better than having full on conversations with ana/mia, so i'll keep writing and posting.
Second part. It is 8:35 am and today has already been a disaster. I have already binged and purged/spit and chewed two times. I mean it started off with me eating some rice pudding which I love. It was only half a cup of it but I remembered that my mom had put a ton of creamer in it so I couldn't imagine keeping it down. So after that I was like fuck it if I am going to throw it up anyways I might as well keep eating or at least that was the nice version of what my eating disorder was saying. "You are a fat fucking pig, why do you even try? You might as well eat everything now since you just will get rid of it all. YOU WILL GET RID OF IT ALL!" Yeah the horror. So I went on and ate then purged. Then I spit and chewed on a few things but that failed when I swallowed some chocolate. Then the voice in my head went off again this time alarms ringing and yelling. "FUCK IT YOU FAT PIG! YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY AWAY FROM THE KISS AND YOU WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED BUT NO YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE" So there came the next purge. I hate this. All the while I had two celementimes and lots of pickles. It is amazing how pickles are so easy to eat when I do not have to worry about calories another binge food to add to the list. I ran for a collective hour and a half because I kept getting scared of the calories in the celementimes. I have been driving myself crazy all day and it really hasn't even started yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment