Man vs. Food

I realize that somedays my behaviors toward food is not at all normal but most days I don't think anything is all that wrong with me. I think that oh it doesn't matter that I threw up that meal I just felt really full, it was a reasonable decision. And it doesn't help that a doctor has not diagnosed me so I can further convince myself that I am not at all sick and I am just normal.

But when I watch people eat and see them "keep it down" I ask myself why I can't be like them and her voice kicks in and says that I am already fat and take up to much space to eat that way and just keep it all down. When I look at people I don't think they are fat. I mean I have bigger friends and I think that they are beautiful just the way they are so why on earth can I not think that way about myself? Her voice is always there to answer my questions and it makes sense what she says even if she contradicts herself it still always makes sense.

Yesterday and today were good-ish days. Yesterday started off terribly with the awful binge early in the am but then I avoided food all day. Usually when people ask if I would like food I tell them yes because saying no to food is a big hard task to complete, but I was out with with my bestie and he offered me pizza and I said no. I said no! It was a great feat. Then I came home and my mom was in a pissy mood and yelling and we had pizza but I didn't touch it even though she was stressing me out a lot. Then I actually went to bed and stayed asleep of course woke up at 5 but it was all good because I woke up saying I would not binge or purge. I had a hard time with that saying of course by like 12 but I was like no I wont eat. I did just end up eating though for the first time today and I had a small portion like I always do and I had some apple cobbler needless to say I purged. I needed to. I couldn't keep dinner down. I didn't intend to. That is the only time that the voice allows me peace because she knows that I will always purge up dinner, I never fail. This is why I consider myself to have bulimarexia  when I have those clear moments of thoughts. I don't want to jinx myself though and end up binging later tonight though...

I believe that my mom is trying to sabotage me or at least that is what the voice thinks. She asked me to eat the rice pudding and I was like why don't you and she said she had gained some weight and she feels uncomfortable and she doesn't want to eat it. I was like do you want me to get fat? (As if I am not already fat enough goodness). She said no and she plans to throw it out. Thank goodness that pudding is leaving this house seeing it in my fridge was like seeing my worst nightmare. Then another thing my mom did was take away the tea because she likes it and there was only a few more bags left. That is the only other thing that I drink in this house besides water because I don't have to count calories. She is trying to drive me nuts but the logical side of me says that it all makes perfect sense and she is not trying to sabotage you. I wish that logical side was with me all the time.

I tore my esophagus today. I don't understand because I cut my nails, I guess I will just have to cut them shorter this time. I hate blood and how it tastes. I am an awful person and I hope that maybe one day people can forgive me for what I have done.  I don't really mind the smell of barf anymore which I guess is understandable because I have been doing this for so long. I have to keep remembering to drink water because I have passed out too many times this week and if people were to see that when I went to school then they would know something is wrong. Not like they won't anyways this time around but I am a really good liar at least I was at this point in time I really don't care to hide it. I mean I spit and chewed in the kitchen two days ago and everyone was up and they could have easily seen me. And tonight after I puked my dinner up I just went down stairs and talked to my mom without washing my hands which were drenched in the smell. I just don't care. I hope that this nonchalant attitude of mine hurries up and passes because I have to go back to school tomorrow and I have to start coming up with good excuses for my behaviors.

The best part about my friends at school know that I am in "recovery" and know that I can relapse and know that I will "call" my mother and get "help". So you know if they ever find out then I can just be like yeah me and my "doctor and mom" are working on it. So I think that will tide them over for at least a little while. I don't even think I am going to try to eat dinner at school because really it is never that good to let go of my control. I never feel the need to binge or even eat at school I just eat a bit to keep my friends happy. I am sick of trying to keep people happy when I can't even make myself happy. Its not worth it. Of course she says that I am crazy and I have to protect our secret so she can stay with me longer. I don't know. I feel like I am crazy talking about this voice in my head but its there and might as well be known. I can't fight her. I won't get help. I am tried of fighting as much as I do. I don't eat all day and when dinner comes around I get rid of it. I am a hopeless case and sometimes I can see my future and other times I can't. I always said I would die young.

On weird notes:
I wish I could be like Adam Richman and enjoy food like he does. Reason for this thought is because while avoiding food today I watched Man vs. Food which he is the host of and he really seems to enjoy food. My favorite thing about that show is that seeing him eat makes me disgusted so I get sick-ish and I no longer concentrate on the food that I can not have. It acts as both a food porn and food repellent. It is the greatest show in the world. I also am pretty jealous of how he can eat all that food and not be obese. I mean he is bigger but not obese. I believe if I eat a celementine and don't get rid of it I will automatically like magic become obese. I know that must sound like the biggest craziest idea but it makes sense to me. I wish that I could be as carefree as him. I am jealous. I am often jealous of lots of people though for how they can just be normal. But I know I can not be normal so I just have to deal with it.

Off topic:
While with my bestie I was complaining with about my roomie at school because she was texting me and telling me how she was drinking and I was like when I get to school she is gonna want to drink with me and I am going to have to tell her I can't. I went on to say then she will get mad at me but I already have enough issues with food and I don't need to start counting calories in alcohol. My bestie just seemed to not hear that part of the sentence and went on to say your roomie has problems. Well that is the last time I try to tell him anything eating disordered related. She told me I was lucky that he skipped over that part. I was trying to let him know granted I probably would have lied to him and told him my mom already knew but then again who knows. I am just tried of fighting.

I wrote a lot here so if anyone reads I am sorry it is so long and all over the place.
I go back to school tomorrow so I must pack then run then sleep.

so tried of fighting all the time...