Today's thoughts and concerns

Spit and chew

Binge and purge

Its all I do...

I get off break in a few days and go back to school Monday. I am excited because I am getting out of this house and in the city. I love the city and I feel free there and I can just escape. I can't escape when I am not home because there is no where to go. In the city I will be free to go off on my own and thank goodness for that. 

I often escape in the grocery store. I know where everything in Shaws is, I can spend hours in this store. I always go in this store and look at all the isles. I am a weary shopper too. I can go into the store and fill up my shopping basket but by the end of the day I leave the store with either nothing or one item. My friends get super annoyed when they come shopping with me because I have to look at everything and then I never buy anything. I always tell them it is because I am indecisive which isn't a lie but the main reason is because I love imagining how the food will taste. 

I love looking at food and putting it in my basket and just imagining myself eating it and how good it will taste. I love imagining myself baking it and smelling it. I just love the feeling but by the end of that "fantasy" I put the food back because the voice in my head tells me how I don't deserve it.  At home I love to look at all of the cookbooks that my mom has around the house because she is a big baker. I love to bake and cook but I also hate it. I love the smell of everything but I get so upset because I can hear that voice in my head that says you cannot eat this, you don't deserve it. I do end up eating all the baked goods and then having to purge them. 

I wish that I could bake all the time without getting out of control...

I sometimes think that getting back to school is going to make things easier and I am probably right. I will probably be able to get away with a lot more things. But while I am thinking of this I realize that going to school is just going to make me sicker if no one finds out. I am afraid of what will happen in the near future...

rice pudding gone

thank god for 16 calorie candy...

I only purged once today and it wasn't a big meal. At least it was only once...