Hiding under a counter

Here I am hiding under a counter in the computer room, avoiding my room. I am just pathetic, if you could only see me. I just cannot get myself to go into my room. I cannot make myself move. I am anxious just thinking about it.
 I just need to vent.
I write too much! But venting here is so much better than going to binge which may end up happening anyways but I am fighting it oh so hard.

Here goes day two having to live with my roomies who no longer can room with me because I am such a burden. Although I know that they are willing to be my friends I just cannot help but think that I am this huge burden hence why I have avoided my room all day. I am feeling very sad and angry and frustrated.

It is just food! I am losing my roommates to my eating disorder, are you kidding me?!?!
Fuck this whole thing.
They say that all I talk about is food
All I talk about is going to the gym
I never have real conversations with them
That I was more fun last semester than this semester

Part of me knows that some of this is true part of the time. I have had other meaningful conversations with them that didn't involve food. But whatever maybe I am crazy and made it all up in my head.

I just have to remind myself that although they beat me to the punch telling me they could no longer room with me I never fully intended on rooming with them next year anyways because I felt as though we were clashing. I just have to remind myself of that.

Talked to both of the parents today and my dad told me that these things happen and I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep fighting. I know that the way this is written is harsh but it wasn't that harsh when he said it but it still annoyed the crap out of me. My mom was understanding and said just what I needed to hear.

I am just feeling alone in all of this even though I know that I have people there for me.
Why can I be logical and illogical at the same time?
Why can't I just get better?
I know that none of this will happen in a day but oh man how I wish it would!
Got a book and I am going to give myself maybe another hour to work myself up into being able to be in that room.

This is not the end of the world. I wanted this to happen for the most part.
I hate feeling this lost...

Anxiety and Ultimatums

I am annoyed!
What the hell? Why do I purge if I am only going to eat again?
She comes out and she is like you have eaten too much so PURGE. Then minutes later once the high is gone she comes back and says I feel empty once again...eat! I cannot purge now thank you very much so there is 400 calories still left inside me because the blood from my throat scares me all too much to continue.

She may be the boss but I am about ready to quit!
I swear if I go over my alloted amount of 50-100 calories tomorrow I may kill someone.
My anxiety has been at an all time high today as well as just this whole entire week. I don't understand. I mean school has been crazy busy and that makes me anxious then I am just thinking about writing a letter to my ex even though that was only a suggestion when I was ready but the thoughts of doing so have been driving me up the wall. I have also been thinking about telling people at home about my "other half" and that has been making my anxious. I just need to quiet these thoughts. Once I quiet these thoughts then the constant need to binge and purge will go down.

I feel so much more in control when restricting. Of course I have always been more bulimic.
Looking at myself in the mirror has become increasingly difficult this week! I swear I have gained 10 pounds and I am not happy with that. I logically know that I haven't gained that much but I can't help that that is the way I feel.

I take showers in the dark just so I can't see my body. I will be restricting like no other for the next few weeks and purging everything that passes my lips if it is over the alloted 100 calories and or less.
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I have lost two of my friends to an ultimatum. I never thought that I would lose my friends to my eating disorder. Granted they are my roommates and they say that they are still my friends they just can't live with me anymore because they can't help me out.

I just don't know. I feel like they have given up on me so I just don't want to be their friends anymore. I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal.

I will keep fighting though despite what I said earlier. I will keep fighting for myself even if people around me can not see my growth or change.

i just need to get back on track...

I am 20 now! 20 years of age with an eating disorder. I am old and that makes me anxious! I just never expected to have been still dealing with all of these issues at this age. It is so dumb!

I ate a lot this weekend and only purged half of it.
I just need to get back on track and not purge and I was doing pretty well.
I don't really want to tell you what entails my on track plan but whatever...
I am not to eat at all this week if I do then I must purge.
I know its not recovery sounding at all.
I wish I knew how to make it into a healthy no purging plan and just eat normally without eating too little or too much but I am just not sure how to do that.
I know that the plan is my eating disorder talking and not me but I am afraid I will not be able to fight it.

I am allergic to peanut butter. Well I have to make sure with the doctor but I cannot breathe and my mouth goes numb after I eat it. Thank goodness I am allergic to it though because my binges with PB were getting ridiculous. I am afraid though that on one of my binges I will just end up eating it and dying if it gets anymore serious.
I swear my eating disorder wants to kill me.
That was always the plan...

I don't want to be 20
I don't want to have an eating disorder!

I did make big strides though. I told another one of my best friends about my issue. I also hinted at it when talking to my younger sister.
I know that I should tell them but at the same time I don't want anything to change!

I should be sleeping...
damn insomnia!

well okay bye and keep fighting...

Goals are close to failing

Okay so things going on...

My goal is this close to failing. I purged tonight or rather early this morning. I have been living off of 100 calories a day and my binge got up to a little bit over 1,000 calories which is barely even a binge but I felt totally out of control eating so I went and purged. 

I shouldn't have eaten that oatmeal. I mean it would have been okay if I started the week off eating oatmeal but I didn't and changing my food suddenly throws me off track.

I swear its like I take one step forward and two steps back. 

Today in class we had to take surveys and give feedback on what was good and what needed to be changed in our classmates surveys/projects. Two of the surveys surrounded body issues and at first I had this intense urge to lie but then I just told the truth. 

I feel uncomfortable with being me

I feel gross 

I feel worthless

I feel like a failure

I often feel out of control

I do not believe that the two hours or more I spend at the gym is enough

I often hate looking in the mirror. At least the voices are less loud when I don't.

I hate negative thoughts but I think that it was helpful to actually tell the truth for once even though it was only for my eyes to see and I think that I may have lied if I had to give the surveys back to them although they are meant to be anonymous. I need to work on that.

I was walking down the street today and of course I found myself talking out loud as I walked. I was asking myself why the hell I couldn't control anything. Why I was once able to seem semi healthy in senior/freshman year of college. I know why. I was never rid of the voice telling me I was a failure when I slowed down all of the behaviors but the voice was louder than ever at that time because I was denying its efforts to pull me in to its deep spell. I figure the reason why things have gotten worse for me or why the behaviors have gone from minimal to full blown again is because I am tried of listening to the damn voice all the time if I am not doing anything about it. I feel that if I am not purging and restricting then I am suffering with this voice for no reason. I figure the voice and the behaviors might as well be a package deal. I hope that this is making sense. If it isn't I don't really know how else to explain it.

I have been such an insomniac these days. Also I have been so ADHD lately and my thoughts jump around all the time. It is awful. I have to see if I can see the doctor today because I was supposed to see him yesterday but seeing as I fell asleep yesterday at the time of the appointment it was a fail. Maybe I should see if he can give me anything for my issues sleeping/concentrating and anxiousness. 

I am pretty sure that none of this is making sense anymore so I should just stop typing. 

Connections and dislikes...peanut butter

Seeing the doctor was oh so awful. I have not gained weight but only lost a pound. He doesn't understand anything and I just think he is an idiot. He just looked at the physical aspects i.e. the weight; but I told him about the purging 3 times a day for this whole entire week and yet he did not check my vitals. I also probably should have told him that I have lost my period for about 2 months now. Thank you eating disorder...he probably wouldn't have cared anyways. As I said...

An idiot. That is all I can say. I am switching doctors. The end.
On other notes:

Also I hate my unhealthy relationship with peanut butter. I can eat jars and yet I cannot seem to vomit it all up as well as I used to be able to. Tisk Tisk. I need some portion control and bad. I swear peanut butter is in my dreams. It is all I ever think about. It is just down right unhealthy seeing as a couple weeks ago I wouldn't even touch peanut butter. Maybe it is just my body needing protein but I don't know the obsession just needs to end!

I hate having negative thoughts.
I hate even more having to say these negative thoughts out loud.
I think that my lack of voicing these negative thoughts holds up my progress in therapy.
I hated feeling a disconnect with my best friend for the first time in 4 years.

I am used to being the happy constant for everyone. I have always felt bad about being sad when my friends needed me or if my family needed me. So I learned how to bottle those sad feelings up and learned to be happy 24/7. Granted thats when bulimia came and took over but I don't know if I am totally ready to come to that realization. My need to be happy all the time for others fuels my eating disorder, that just doesn't sound correct.

I am glad to write here though... I am glad to have this place to say all those nasty, ugly eating disorder thoughts.
I am afraid that if people knew what thoughts were inside my head, they would lock me up.
I swear I am not crazy and I do not wish to die.
I sometimes feel as if there is nothing wrong with me. No one at home besides my best friend and parents know about my eating disorder. I can act normal here. I can be happy Brae and that my friends is all I care about.
Being normal...
What a joke.
I am not normal
I have an eating disorder
My throat aches and I am always dizzy...I vomit almost everyday at least since I have been home.

I guess the whole normal aspect of my life at home is what fuels my eating disorder. At school I am the girl with an eating disorder and my behaviors calm down and I am still vomiting but not everyday. I restrict more while at school than binge. I wish to be back now.

What will happen during the summer?
I will not be well but hopefully I will find the courage to tell people at home so I can have my behaviors calm down and not be in so much pain all the time.
I guess that is the internal struggle..."to tell or not to tell"
Shall I stay normal at home even if it is not best for me?

Well this was long...
Sorry about that.
I must also work on the "sorry" notion of my life. I am forever apologizing for everything although it is not always my fault.  My therapist says that also fuels some part of my bulimia. I cannot see these connections but she makes sense so hopefully one day I will see these connections.

I do not like grammar. Sorry again. Well no! This is my blog and my imaginary readers will just have to deal with the grammar situation.

On that note...

Goal: no purging for the week. If I can succeed then I will find it acceptable to go out to eat with my friends on my birthday if not then oh well no birthday dinner for my bulimia.

How are you feeling these days?

Its spring break and I am home for the week seeing my friends and hanging with my family. It has been fun for the past few days but my mom is noticing the shift in my mood.

I realize that I have been quiet while being home for these past few days but I am having the worst time with food and being okay with it. I am pretty sure I don't want to talk about all of this with my parents though. I mean I am sure they are not naive and thinking that I have kept everything down that I have eaten since being here.

I have been starving for two days now and I have binged (spit and chew) once because I couldn't seem to imagine even being able to purge. I am very exhausted and dizzy.

I don't know what to tell my mom. I hate being asked questions. My birthday is not this Sunday but next Sunday. I am going to be 20 years old with an eating disorder. This makes me panic. I wish to be well but I know that that will not happen because I keep these behaviors close to my heart. I am also panicking because I have to see dr.schoon and I don't want to. I know that I have gained weight since seeing him last and I am not okay with that. I just don't know what to do! I am lost. What to say to her...?