i just need to get back on track...

I am 20 now! 20 years of age with an eating disorder. I am old and that makes me anxious! I just never expected to have been still dealing with all of these issues at this age. It is so dumb!

I ate a lot this weekend and only purged half of it.
I just need to get back on track and not purge and I was doing pretty well.
I don't really want to tell you what entails my on track plan but whatever...
I am not to eat at all this week if I do then I must purge.
I know its not recovery sounding at all.
I wish I knew how to make it into a healthy no purging plan and just eat normally without eating too little or too much but I am just not sure how to do that.
I know that the plan is my eating disorder talking and not me but I am afraid I will not be able to fight it.

I am allergic to peanut butter. Well I have to make sure with the doctor but I cannot breathe and my mouth goes numb after I eat it. Thank goodness I am allergic to it though because my binges with PB were getting ridiculous. I am afraid though that on one of my binges I will just end up eating it and dying if it gets anymore serious.
I swear my eating disorder wants to kill me.
That was always the plan...

I don't want to be 20
I don't want to have an eating disorder!

I did make big strides though. I told another one of my best friends about my issue. I also hinted at it when talking to my younger sister.
I know that I should tell them but at the same time I don't want anything to change!

I should be sleeping...
damn insomnia!

well okay bye and keep fighting...