Its been a while...

I know that it has been a while since I have written anything here but that is because lately I have been putting pen to paper.

I also haven't written because I don't have anything positive to say.

So here is a brief summary (I hope) about what's been going on:

So after that failure post I basically went on my way with purging everything again. I basically just fell into a cycle of purging and restricting. All the while I had to keep seeing my school counselor and telling her lies about my eating because she has the ability to kick me out of school once again.

As I have talked about I was suppose to go get assessed at Walden but my PCP at home sucks so bad that he has done absolutely nothing to help my situation. My heath insurance has helped though by finding a therapist in network so I can see her without a referral 8 times before she can refer me to keep seeing her. I am one strep closer to getting better...

It was kind of weird seeing Ilana (therapist) and telling her all of these things. She made me think about all of the feelings that I have and what food represents to me. She told me that I am not crazy but I still feel really crazy.

Another thing that this week has brought was the ability to not be able to purge. I could binge but not purge. I don't know what was going on with my body for the past three days. I got home today and I ate like no other. Usually I am able to starve when I am home but even though I decided to want to come home I felt suffocated so I ate. GROSS. I had a huge issue purging so I basically thought I would never be able to get it all out but then I tried 3 fingers instead of just 2 and there came the food. Thank God! I mean I go to the gym everyday and work off about 800 calories which is less than I eat unless I binge but the gym doesn't make me feel better like purging does. I like to combine the two most days but that's another story.

I felt so out of control those 3 days when I couldn't purge. Today gave me back my control.
I feel like even though I am on my way to getting better I know that I am just not improving.
I still want to purge all the time
I want to be left alone
I don't want things to be this way

My friends have been up my ass lately for not eating with them at dinner but its whatever they don't know what is going on. I wish that things with them were easy.

My feelings for the past few days...
FAT
can't fit through door ways because I am so fat
worthless
hopeless
exhausted
failure

but then there are the tiny thoughts about hope that one day I hope will be able to overpower the negative...

Today I feel like it will be a better day...

Failures are huge

I had a good 6 days...
and now it is all down the drain...

I don't really know why I am such a failure. Why I don't want to seem to get better? I was doing so well for those six days but then the voice was so powerful and something within me took over. Today was such a major fail, from the moment I woke up I knew that I shouldn't have eaten. The food that me and my roomie went out to eat was good and I wasn't feeling the need to vomit but then we got back to the room and she left. I was there with myself and I binged.

Why did I fail?
Why am I a failure?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I wanting to stay sick?

Fuck you eating disorder...I will go to the gym tomorrow and work out and I will not be eating till Tuesday at the latest that is how much of a failure this day has been.

Why?
Will I ever get better?

A boy should not be able to trigger you so much. No one should be able to make you feel like crap. I hate you. I hate the voice inside my head. I hate this whole entire situation. I blame myself all the time but I know some of the blame can be put on you. I should of never let you touch me, I should of never let you off of the hook.

and then her comforting voice comes in and saves the day...

"Brae it will be alright. I will always be here with you. I will take away your stress and worries all you have to do is feed me but just remember to get rid of it in the end."

I hate you
I hate this
I hate tonight
I hate everything

I wish someone could say that I am not crazy. That I will get better.
I wish I could believe those someones.
But the approval I need is yours and I just can not have that because you trigger me like no other.

goodnight