Happy days

It is May 24 and I am feeling so great.
After the few weeks of struggling and just wanting to give up on this thing called recovery I got my act together once again.
Last week I had a few bad days and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't even want to leave the house until my mom forced me to go buy milk. On the way to the store I cried because I felt as if everyone was judging me and it didn't help that I had weighed myself that day. I hate how weight fluctuates from all the binging and purging. At the end of that ordeal I decided that I am going to take my therapists advice and go on medication for my anxiety because I would like to start living again and not cry because I am taking a 5 minute ride to the store.
After I made that realization about the medication I felt as if a weight had been lifted because I had finally made a decision now I just have to tell her at our next session on thrusday. I really do like her a lot; for the first time I feel like I am being heard and someone understands me. Next decision that needs to be made is whether or not I want my parents to come in for a session. I don't think that my mom would be willing to but I think that my dad would like to. I am just not sure I want them to know everything just yet.

Now the improvements I have only purged once in the past 4 days. I know such a big accomplishment especially since I have been eating and not starving. I am still working on upping my daily consumption of food though everyday. I also have not been counting which is so damn stressful and great all at the same time.

I am actually doing okay and back to working on this recovery business!
I hope by the end of summer I am really better and able to go back to college and be okay with life again.
I know that I will always struggle but I just need to be in a better head space (like this one I am in now) by the end of summer.

After that long novel...I am glad to say that I am happy =)
I hope that you guys are happy too =)

This won't make any sense

I am not happy with trying and failing because I feel as if I am failing at trying even though I know I am trying.
Every time I fail I think that I wasn't trying hard enough even though I know that is not the case. I was trying!

I just hate failing and hate failing at trying and I hate trying harder and harder if I am only to fail. I want to be better when I wake, just like that but I know that cannot happen and I have to keep fighting.

On other notes: I am triggering myself every time I step on that god damn scale. I NEED TO STOP. I know I am triggering myself so why the hell do I keep doing it?!?!?! The "boss" says I need to but if I want to escape Ed  I cannot listen to him. So why the hell keep listening?!?! Another triggering item is fucking Tumblr. I follow recovery blogs just like I do on this site but all of the pictures that these "recovery" blogs put up are not so recovery esq. Then the posts that these girls post about what they are going through does not make me feel better. But then if I try and unfollow them I feel really bad because they are going through the same things I am and I should be able to help them but I just feel so guilty for unfollowing that it then triggers the voice once again. There is just no winning and I must delete my Tumblr. I am just not sure if I can or not. I like it on here because nothing that people say on here triggers me so much as what they do on Tumblr.

I have therapy tomorrow...new person...kind of stressing. Ed tells me to lie and say I have been doing good but I have to tell the truth! I just don't know who will win tomorrow; me or Ed?

Well after that huge rant...I am off to bed knowing what I have to do (delete Tumblr)...hopefully I can do it and hopefully the therapy session goes well.