my feelings

I am sad.
I think I may be bipolar and I have no clue how to go about getting that checked.
I am scared of the future
I don't want to figure anything else out. I just want to lay down and not get back up.
I don't want to die. I don't want to live?
I don't know why I have been so negative lately and it isn't like my eating disorder is in the way of anything. I am just so lost. I am always happy when I am with him though and it scares me to do this long distance thing so I often think about calling it off.

I am just so done. It scares me how negative I can be. It is just like when I used to write sucide notes and think about taking a bottle of pills...it is scary how far away in the past that was and how recently it just happened again. Am I ever going to be happy being on my own?

I am just scared. I don't want to tell anyone because of the fact that it scares me to know that I am feeling this weak and helpless. I also don't want to scare them. I don't want to face what is in my life. But my life is wonderful. I have wonderful friends, a loving boyfriend, and wonderful job opportunity and I am almost done with school.

I guess that could be scaring me as well.

I am sorry.

lapse/relapse...9 months and now what?!?!

Today I cried because my mom forgot to buy me coke zero and bought me nuts, oatmeal, diet hot chocolate and other things. The diet hot chocolate was the last straw for when the water works came because it was the 70 calorie kind and not the 25 calorie kind that I usually get.

This is ridiculous. I cried because I didn't get the right kind of hot cocoa and coke zero. I cried because I needed that coke zero. I need it to get through the day. It fills me up. I know that I am being ridiculous and that she said that she would buy me some tomorrow. She doesn't understand why I was so upset.

I am upset because she doesn't notice that I am sick. She doesn't notice what is going on. You would think after months and months of me pointing out my behaviors to make sure she notices she would notice now. Whatever it isn't HER RESPONSIBILITY it is MINE!

Brae please snap out of it...please stay well...please be better.

It is a new year and I have already purged 4 times. I am so annoyed with myself it is not even funny. I know I am falling and I know I should be screaming for help but my eating disorder is silencing me.

After 9 months of really awesome progress I am once again falling. Once again avoiding shit. Once again avoiding all of my feelings. I have avoided my therapist as well. I don't want to be sick but I know I am going to keep lapsing if I don't talk it out.

I don't know how I can be so great for 9 months and now thoughts pour in and I purge them out.

I have good things in my life: I have a family who loves me, a boyfriend who loves me, friends who love me. I should love myself shouldn't I?

I am lost. I will be seeing my therapist on Thursday and hopefully I voice all of these concerns.

Long time no post...

Well I am doing well! Actually pretty darn great! I have finally come to the realization that I do not want an eating disorder nor do I want to say that I struggle with one. I just want to be healthy! It is super exciting to know that I believe myself when I say I am finally ready to give up my eating disorder for good!

It is hard to believe how I started off the summer being such a wreck but now summer is ending (I move back to school on Sunday) and I am now in a better state of mind! I am happy for once. I met a boy and he is amazing! I don't know where we will go but I will enjoy the ride. I have not purged in 10 days now I think but I went a month without purging before that and I had just purged like 5 times after my 30 day streak ended. It is easy to not purge now. I hated purging and I love that it isn't so much a habit/coping mechanism any more.

I have struggled with eating and I did lose my period for 2 months but it is now back and I am eating more and trying not to count. Also I have not been over-exercising which is awesome!

I love to run and it helps with my anxiety as does the Prozac! I am just happy and I felt like I needed to update people on my progress.

I hope that you all are okay! <3

Happy days

It is May 24 and I am feeling so great.
After the few weeks of struggling and just wanting to give up on this thing called recovery I got my act together once again.
Last week I had a few bad days and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't even want to leave the house until my mom forced me to go buy milk. On the way to the store I cried because I felt as if everyone was judging me and it didn't help that I had weighed myself that day. I hate how weight fluctuates from all the binging and purging. At the end of that ordeal I decided that I am going to take my therapists advice and go on medication for my anxiety because I would like to start living again and not cry because I am taking a 5 minute ride to the store.
After I made that realization about the medication I felt as if a weight had been lifted because I had finally made a decision now I just have to tell her at our next session on thrusday. I really do like her a lot; for the first time I feel like I am being heard and someone understands me. Next decision that needs to be made is whether or not I want my parents to come in for a session. I don't think that my mom would be willing to but I think that my dad would like to. I am just not sure I want them to know everything just yet.

Now the improvements I have only purged once in the past 4 days. I know such a big accomplishment especially since I have been eating and not starving. I am still working on upping my daily consumption of food though everyday. I also have not been counting which is so damn stressful and great all at the same time.

I am actually doing okay and back to working on this recovery business!
I hope by the end of summer I am really better and able to go back to college and be okay with life again.
I know that I will always struggle but I just need to be in a better head space (like this one I am in now) by the end of summer.

After that long novel...I am glad to say that I am happy =)
I hope that you guys are happy too =)

This won't make any sense

I am not happy with trying and failing because I feel as if I am failing at trying even though I know I am trying.
Every time I fail I think that I wasn't trying hard enough even though I know that is not the case. I was trying!

I just hate failing and hate failing at trying and I hate trying harder and harder if I am only to fail. I want to be better when I wake, just like that but I know that cannot happen and I have to keep fighting.

On other notes: I am triggering myself every time I step on that god damn scale. I NEED TO STOP. I know I am triggering myself so why the hell do I keep doing it?!?!?! The "boss" says I need to but if I want to escape Ed  I cannot listen to him. So why the hell keep listening?!?! Another triggering item is fucking Tumblr. I follow recovery blogs just like I do on this site but all of the pictures that these "recovery" blogs put up are not so recovery esq. Then the posts that these girls post about what they are going through does not make me feel better. But then if I try and unfollow them I feel really bad because they are going through the same things I am and I should be able to help them but I just feel so guilty for unfollowing that it then triggers the voice once again. There is just no winning and I must delete my Tumblr. I am just not sure if I can or not. I like it on here because nothing that people say on here triggers me so much as what they do on Tumblr.

I have therapy tomorrow...new person...kind of stressing. Ed tells me to lie and say I have been doing good but I have to tell the truth! I just don't know who will win tomorrow; me or Ed?

Well after that huge rant...I am off to bed knowing what I have to do (delete Tumblr)...hopefully I can do it and hopefully the therapy session goes well.

Please some positive thinking

I have so much to work to do for tomorrow and I am procrastinating because I am thinking about food.
I really hate the power that food has over me. I wish to stop eating so I don't have to worry about purging!
Please give me the strength the not eat or at least not over eat!

Gah! Thats all I have to say and I just don't know. Like silence me already...
Bleck!

I have gained weight after this week...I am not okay with that but I always have more time to lose it.
This is so dumb because you know I want to be healthy! I really really want to be rid of this but I am just constantly struggling with the healthy thoughts and the negative thoughts!

Things are looking up with the roomies though because I have talked to them both and I am still friends with one of them and then I told the other one that we have always been a toxic relationship.
She took it well.
I should be moving out of my room soon though because I still cannot really be comfortable in here because although I really don't want to be friends with her I don't really believe I got that point across. I think I gave her hope. There is no hope!

I feel like I have been silenced...
I have. Where has the brave girl that I knew gone?!?!

I want to get better
I want to lose weight

some days the latter of the two win...

Positive thoughts though...
I have not lost two friends but only one and on my own terms
I will be moving out soon
School will be ending really soon
Summer is just around the corner!

One day I will say goodbye to ED!

Hiding under a counter

Here I am hiding under a counter in the computer room, avoiding my room. I am just pathetic, if you could only see me. I just cannot get myself to go into my room. I cannot make myself move. I am anxious just thinking about it.
 I just need to vent.
I write too much! But venting here is so much better than going to binge which may end up happening anyways but I am fighting it oh so hard.

Here goes day two having to live with my roomies who no longer can room with me because I am such a burden. Although I know that they are willing to be my friends I just cannot help but think that I am this huge burden hence why I have avoided my room all day. I am feeling very sad and angry and frustrated.

It is just food! I am losing my roommates to my eating disorder, are you kidding me?!?!
Fuck this whole thing.
They say that all I talk about is food
All I talk about is going to the gym
I never have real conversations with them
That I was more fun last semester than this semester

Part of me knows that some of this is true part of the time. I have had other meaningful conversations with them that didn't involve food. But whatever maybe I am crazy and made it all up in my head.

I just have to remind myself that although they beat me to the punch telling me they could no longer room with me I never fully intended on rooming with them next year anyways because I felt as though we were clashing. I just have to remind myself of that.

Talked to both of the parents today and my dad told me that these things happen and I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep fighting. I know that the way this is written is harsh but it wasn't that harsh when he said it but it still annoyed the crap out of me. My mom was understanding and said just what I needed to hear.

I am just feeling alone in all of this even though I know that I have people there for me.
Why can I be logical and illogical at the same time?
Why can't I just get better?
I know that none of this will happen in a day but oh man how I wish it would!
Got a book and I am going to give myself maybe another hour to work myself up into being able to be in that room.

This is not the end of the world. I wanted this to happen for the most part.
I hate feeling this lost...