my feelings

I am sad.
I think I may be bipolar and I have no clue how to go about getting that checked.
I am scared of the future
I don't want to figure anything else out. I just want to lay down and not get back up.
I don't want to die. I don't want to live?
I don't know why I have been so negative lately and it isn't like my eating disorder is in the way of anything. I am just so lost. I am always happy when I am with him though and it scares me to do this long distance thing so I often think about calling it off.

I am just so done. It scares me how negative I can be. It is just like when I used to write sucide notes and think about taking a bottle of pills...it is scary how far away in the past that was and how recently it just happened again. Am I ever going to be happy being on my own?

I am just scared. I don't want to tell anyone because of the fact that it scares me to know that I am feeling this weak and helpless. I also don't want to scare them. I don't want to face what is in my life. But my life is wonderful. I have wonderful friends, a loving boyfriend, and wonderful job opportunity and I am almost done with school.

I guess that could be scaring me as well.

I am sorry.