Help attained/Who am I?

After four long and stressful years I decided that enough was enough. I finally decided that the shameful secret must come out. That I could no longer listen to this eating disordered voice in my head. I could no longer concentrate because of how loud the voice was getting. I was no longer able to hold up the carefully crafted facade that I had kept for many years.

I went to the counselor and she talked to me about everything and finally I could breathe again. My mom and dad both know but don't truly understand and they are both emotional wrecks but they did well with seeing me this weekend.

It has been a tough week, from being threatened to be kicked out of school, to having to see my parents and be home. Also all the doctor appointments/screenings that I had to happen. Well I will either be getting evaluated at children's hospital or Walden behavioral care sometime this week or next.

I am anxious because my future hangs in the balance.
I am also ready for the help I so desperately need.
I hope with all of my might that I can get better.

but can someone just answer me this...
Who am I without my eating disorder?

 

Needing help...

So I am thinking that I may go and get some help at my school's counseling center.
I am so sick and tired of fighting this demon all by myself...granted people know that I have this eating disorder but they don't know that it is more alive in me than ever.
I can't fight with myself anymore...
I know that most days I don't feel sick or seem sick but I know that the blood flow coming out while I purge is not a good thing, it is not a normal thing.
I hate that I feel this way about myself. I hate that I am afraid to seek help. I hate everything about my life with this eating disorder of mine.

I swear I suck so much. I swear that I am useless, worthless, just a waste of space. I suck so much. I am weak. I do not have the strength to battle this situation. Most days I would like to give up or forget that something is even wrong but then I find myself at the toilet leaning down and enduring the pain in the back of my mouth. My poor body must hate me. My friends must hate me I know I take extra long showers but that is just so you don't have to hear me purge.

My friends are better and more accepting than I give them credit for. I know this. I still cannot have them find out. I am not sick enough. My mind is playing tricks on me. I am perfectly healthy...

I need help. I know. I don't want anyone to find out though.
I don't need help. I am perfectly healthy...

oh the lies we tell ourselves...

School...

So it was the first week of classes...
Everything went well but school is not good for my eating disorder.
I had to figure out my schedule and it does not agree with my eating disorder.
I figured out that I cannot have lunch on Tuesday or Thursday. Well unless I eat lunch at like 11 because I have class at one and purging is very hard to do in 5 minutes especially when I need to make sure everything is out of my stomach. People have noticed my weight loss but I don't celebrate that fact because that just means that I am sicker than I thought. I mean my eating disorder is happy about it but the logical side of me says that is not something to be proud of.

Purging dinner is never a hard thing. I always take a shower after dinner and thats when I do it. No one can hear me at least I think they can't and if they have then they have to say something to me. They are the kind of friends that would though so I am not worried. My disorder is not agreeing with me lately all I want to do is stop but she won't let me ( I won't let me). I have been talking to my friend here at school and I told her everything that has been going on but the appropriate story. I told her that my bulimia has come back but my mom and doctor know so I am trying to get better. She understands the voice in my head because she has binge eating disorder or at least symptoms of it. She and I made a pact that this week she wouldn't eat junk food and I wouldn't purge. I said that it was reasonable but I failed that night as I have failed everyday this week. I will of course tell her that I succeeded to get her off my case but really why do I need to lie? Why does she come out every time I try to tell the truth. She just won't die. I have been looking at treatment centers but I don't believe I am sick...I also don't want my parents to know but they will. Fuck Life.

Well I went on a pretty awful binge today...Oh well really I had purged dinner and then purged some buger king and dunkin donuts all the while knowing that I tore my throat. I suck I know. My head is throbbing and my throat is so very sore. But whatever...

My friend and I are hanging tonight and I can not hide the fact that I am feeling sickish I hope that she just doesn't think that I went back on our pact because she did so very well this week. I wonder why the voice in my head is so much more louder than hers. She can control hers for a least a week where as I can not. I am losing weight and getting chipmunk cheeks, I am so very attractive... so gross...

Whatever I am still happy to be at school so I guess that is good =)

So out with the bad and in with the good...

No more upsetting thoughts for now I have put them to rest because this is me saying that I am not sick and I am just fine. That I can stop this awful "habit" whenever I so please. So don't worry all is right in the world once again because, dare I say it, I am not sick.

I wish.

Whatever. I have been in a happy go lucky mood for the past two days and I hope to keep it that way. I guess this is because...well I don't know why I am in such a happy mood. I am back at school now so maybe that is why. I am no longer home and that makes me happy? I guess. Well I am still purging after every meal and that is not good but its not stopping. I have lost the "I don't care to fight" attitude that I was hosting for a few days. I am still willing to fight this but for now let it take its course and maybe people will see that I need help but until then...sick brae is thinking she is healthy brae.

So I say to you once more, world...I am not sick.

Man vs. Food

I realize that somedays my behaviors toward food is not at all normal but most days I don't think anything is all that wrong with me. I think that oh it doesn't matter that I threw up that meal I just felt really full, it was a reasonable decision. And it doesn't help that a doctor has not diagnosed me so I can further convince myself that I am not at all sick and I am just normal.

But when I watch people eat and see them "keep it down" I ask myself why I can't be like them and her voice kicks in and says that I am already fat and take up to much space to eat that way and just keep it all down. When I look at people I don't think they are fat. I mean I have bigger friends and I think that they are beautiful just the way they are so why on earth can I not think that way about myself? Her voice is always there to answer my questions and it makes sense what she says even if she contradicts herself it still always makes sense.

Yesterday and today were good-ish days. Yesterday started off terribly with the awful binge early in the am but then I avoided food all day. Usually when people ask if I would like food I tell them yes because saying no to food is a big hard task to complete, but I was out with with my bestie and he offered me pizza and I said no. I said no! It was a great feat. Then I came home and my mom was in a pissy mood and yelling and we had pizza but I didn't touch it even though she was stressing me out a lot. Then I actually went to bed and stayed asleep of course woke up at 5 but it was all good because I woke up saying I would not binge or purge. I had a hard time with that saying of course by like 12 but I was like no I wont eat. I did just end up eating though for the first time today and I had a small portion like I always do and I had some apple cobbler needless to say I purged. I needed to. I couldn't keep dinner down. I didn't intend to. That is the only time that the voice allows me peace because she knows that I will always purge up dinner, I never fail. This is why I consider myself to have bulimarexia  when I have those clear moments of thoughts. I don't want to jinx myself though and end up binging later tonight though...

I believe that my mom is trying to sabotage me or at least that is what the voice thinks. She asked me to eat the rice pudding and I was like why don't you and she said she had gained some weight and she feels uncomfortable and she doesn't want to eat it. I was like do you want me to get fat? (As if I am not already fat enough goodness). She said no and she plans to throw it out. Thank goodness that pudding is leaving this house seeing it in my fridge was like seeing my worst nightmare. Then another thing my mom did was take away the tea because she likes it and there was only a few more bags left. That is the only other thing that I drink in this house besides water because I don't have to count calories. She is trying to drive me nuts but the logical side of me says that it all makes perfect sense and she is not trying to sabotage you. I wish that logical side was with me all the time.

I tore my esophagus today. I don't understand because I cut my nails, I guess I will just have to cut them shorter this time. I hate blood and how it tastes. I am an awful person and I hope that maybe one day people can forgive me for what I have done.  I don't really mind the smell of barf anymore which I guess is understandable because I have been doing this for so long. I have to keep remembering to drink water because I have passed out too many times this week and if people were to see that when I went to school then they would know something is wrong. Not like they won't anyways this time around but I am a really good liar at least I was at this point in time I really don't care to hide it. I mean I spit and chewed in the kitchen two days ago and everyone was up and they could have easily seen me. And tonight after I puked my dinner up I just went down stairs and talked to my mom without washing my hands which were drenched in the smell. I just don't care. I hope that this nonchalant attitude of mine hurries up and passes because I have to go back to school tomorrow and I have to start coming up with good excuses for my behaviors.

The best part about my friends at school know that I am in "recovery" and know that I can relapse and know that I will "call" my mother and get "help". So you know if they ever find out then I can just be like yeah me and my "doctor and mom" are working on it. So I think that will tide them over for at least a little while. I don't even think I am going to try to eat dinner at school because really it is never that good to let go of my control. I never feel the need to binge or even eat at school I just eat a bit to keep my friends happy. I am sick of trying to keep people happy when I can't even make myself happy. Its not worth it. Of course she says that I am crazy and I have to protect our secret so she can stay with me longer. I don't know. I feel like I am crazy talking about this voice in my head but its there and might as well be known. I can't fight her. I won't get help. I am tried of fighting as much as I do. I don't eat all day and when dinner comes around I get rid of it. I am a hopeless case and sometimes I can see my future and other times I can't. I always said I would die young.

On weird notes:
I wish I could be like Adam Richman and enjoy food like he does. Reason for this thought is because while avoiding food today I watched Man vs. Food which he is the host of and he really seems to enjoy food. My favorite thing about that show is that seeing him eat makes me disgusted so I get sick-ish and I no longer concentrate on the food that I can not have. It acts as both a food porn and food repellent. It is the greatest show in the world. I also am pretty jealous of how he can eat all that food and not be obese. I mean he is bigger but not obese. I believe if I eat a celementine and don't get rid of it I will automatically like magic become obese. I know that must sound like the biggest craziest idea but it makes sense to me. I wish that I could be as carefree as him. I am jealous. I am often jealous of lots of people though for how they can just be normal. But I know I can not be normal so I just have to deal with it.

Off topic:
While with my bestie I was complaining with about my roomie at school because she was texting me and telling me how she was drinking and I was like when I get to school she is gonna want to drink with me and I am going to have to tell her I can't. I went on to say then she will get mad at me but I already have enough issues with food and I don't need to start counting calories in alcohol. My bestie just seemed to not hear that part of the sentence and went on to say your roomie has problems. Well that is the last time I try to tell him anything eating disordered related. She told me I was lucky that he skipped over that part. I was trying to let him know granted I probably would have lied to him and told him my mom already knew but then again who knows. I am just tried of fighting.

I wrote a lot here so if anyone reads I am sorry it is so long and all over the place.
I go back to school tomorrow so I must pack then run then sleep.

so tried of fighting all the time...

Contradictions

The voice comes out starting as a whisper but progresses to a scream.

She says eat and eat now. Eat anything you can get your hands on.

She says that it is good for me, that I will be a whole person again. That what was taken from me could be returned as long as I eat.

She says that it doesn’t matter if I am a vegetarian because the meat tastes so much better. She says it’s okay because I have avoided meat for months, so it is all okay.

She says go on just one bite…so one bite leads to two bites then three and so on until I can no longer find the strength to chew.

I sit there anxiously awaiting the shrill screams of her voice to kick in.

She yells, YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WHO THE HELL SAID YOU COULD EAT?

She yells, WHO TOLD YOU, YOU DESERVED TO EAT?

She yells YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF!

She yells, YOU ARE TOO BROKEN TO FIX, YOU WILL NEVER BE WHOLE!

She yells, GO ON, GO GET RID OF IT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO!

I head to the bathroom. The toilet is waiting for me, just like it always has.

She yells, GO ON NOW. YOU FAT FUCKING PIG. NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO EAT, SO NOW YOU MUST GET RID OF IT. AT LEAST DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE.

Here it comes. All the food consumed is easily regurgitated.

She says you are disgusting.

She says no one will ever love you.

No “job well done” or “finally you did something right”, instead…

She says you are such a failure at life.

She says you are probably such a failure that you didn’t even puke it all up.

She says, go run! Go run now!

She says, run until your heart gives out.

I run until I can no longer breathe.

Once again no “good jobs” or “congratulations”

She says you suck. Who cares if you couldn’t breathe? Others can run longer than you. You are broken and will never be whole.

My eating disorder, my voice

You told me to eat, but you are right I am a failure.

You told me I could be whole again if I ate, but you are right I am broken beyond repair.

You never say good job and probably never will, but I keep striving for your approval.

Just like the toilet you are my constant, a voice that never goes away and is always there when I need you the least.

I am broken and will never be fixed but with you, you say I can be whole but take it back.

 You are so indecisive. I will never win.

She says, that’s right just give up now. You are a failure and will never win.

The horrible, awful day begins...

So first off I have to say that I write an awful lot for someone with no audience. I realize that I am basically just talking to myself here but it is way better than having full on conversations with ana/mia, so i'll keep writing and posting.

Second part. It is 8:35 am and today has already been a disaster. I have already binged and purged/spit and chewed two times. I mean it started off with me eating some rice pudding which I love. It was only half a cup of it but I remembered that my mom had put a ton of creamer in it so I couldn't imagine keeping it down. So after that I was like fuck it if I am going to throw it up anyways I might as well keep eating or at least that was the nice version of what my eating disorder was saying. "You are a fat fucking pig, why do you even try? You might as well eat everything now since you just will get rid of it all. YOU WILL GET RID OF IT ALL!" Yeah the horror. So I went on and ate then purged. Then I spit and chewed on a few things but that failed when I swallowed some chocolate. Then the voice in my head went off again this time alarms ringing and yelling. "FUCK IT YOU FAT PIG! YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS STAY AWAY FROM THE KISS AND YOU WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED BUT NO YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE"  So there came the next purge. I hate this. All the while I had two celementimes and lots of pickles. It is amazing how pickles are so easy to eat when I do not have to worry about calories another binge food to add to the list. I ran for a collective hour and a half because I kept getting scared of the calories in the celementimes. I have been driving myself crazy all day and it really hasn't even started yet.

Attack! at the dinner table

So funny story (not really)...

Mom and I made dinner tonight and I got to wear the cute little apron that I love and we got to talk. Of course all the while when I was talking to her I thought about telling her about my eating disorder. Of course I didn't tell her but at least I am that much closer to telling her. The dinner was spaghetti and it was down right unhealthy for me to eat because I knew that I would purge because it is like my favorite dinner.

I sat down at my dinner table with my siblings and I am thinking that maybe I will get through this dinner and just go keep busy so I can keep it down. Then the shit-show came to town. My sisters ganged up on me and told me that I do nothing at all around the house. I do a lot of things around the house but it is whatever. It would have not bothered me as much if it was only one of them yelling at me but it was both of them. When they gang up on you pretty much are going to lose and feel like shit afterwards. This was not the first time today that they got on my case but I can't help the way they feel about me. I avoid them like I avoid food because all I hear from them when I come home is that they don't want me at home and to go back to school. My dad and mom are never much help when my sisters are on my case. My dad just says that they are jealous that I got out of the house and they have to stay. But I don't really believe that because our house is not that bad.

Long story short I purged. My siblings stress me out a ton. I think that is pretty sad that I avoid them like I do food and I wonder how they would feel if I ever said that to them but I don't think I ever will because I love them too much.

Concerns: I think that my safe food list has just dwindled...I have avoided celmentines for the past week because I am afraid of binging on them. I really have two at a time which is not bad but I feel like that is a binge and I have to get it out which I hate. I hate purging citrus things...I need to find more safe foods or else the only thing that I am keeping down is olong tea with splenda and water.

Bulimarexia
I hate that everything that I eat must come out and I hate that I can't brush my teeth straight after. I hate being sick. I hate that no one knows. I hate that I like the fact that no one knows. I hate that I am not at all logical. I hate that I cannot be normal. I hate that I get to be a statistic. I hate that when people find out what I have been doing and knowing that I lied to them will look at me differently. I hate everything about this eating disorder.

On the bright side of things I do have those moments where I tell myself that I will get better. I tell myself that today will be the day when I tell my parents. I also have great friends who I need to have more faith in and realize when they find out they will stay by my side.

I should go to bed but not before running...

Today's thoughts and concerns

Spit and chew

Binge and purge

Its all I do...

I get off break in a few days and go back to school Monday. I am excited because I am getting out of this house and in the city. I love the city and I feel free there and I can just escape. I can't escape when I am not home because there is no where to go. In the city I will be free to go off on my own and thank goodness for that. 

I often escape in the grocery store. I know where everything in Shaws is, I can spend hours in this store. I always go in this store and look at all the isles. I am a weary shopper too. I can go into the store and fill up my shopping basket but by the end of the day I leave the store with either nothing or one item. My friends get super annoyed when they come shopping with me because I have to look at everything and then I never buy anything. I always tell them it is because I am indecisive which isn't a lie but the main reason is because I love imagining how the food will taste. 

I love looking at food and putting it in my basket and just imagining myself eating it and how good it will taste. I love imagining myself baking it and smelling it. I just love the feeling but by the end of that "fantasy" I put the food back because the voice in my head tells me how I don't deserve it.  At home I love to look at all of the cookbooks that my mom has around the house because she is a big baker. I love to bake and cook but I also hate it. I love the smell of everything but I get so upset because I can hear that voice in my head that says you cannot eat this, you don't deserve it. I do end up eating all the baked goods and then having to purge them. 

I wish that I could bake all the time without getting out of control...

I sometimes think that getting back to school is going to make things easier and I am probably right. I will probably be able to get away with a lot more things. But while I am thinking of this I realize that going to school is just going to make me sicker if no one finds out. I am afraid of what will happen in the near future...

rice pudding gone

thank god for 16 calorie candy...

I only purged once today and it wasn't a big meal. At least it was only once...

Things I hate the most...

I think that worst part of my eating disorder is the fact that when I am home I have to hide upstairs in my room to keep away from the kitchen. My family does not know about my eating disorder so the house is stocked with all the binge foods that I love. I wish that I had a good mind set about food and wasn't absolutely terrified to go into the kitchen. It is not so much that I am afraid of eating the food right when I see it but I know that I will look at it long enough for it to become my craving. 


Another thing that I hate the most about this eating disorder is that I will avoid certain friends because I know that I will have to eat around them. I love hanging with these friends but I know that when with them we tend to eat and I don't want to be a pig in front of them nor do I want to have to run to the bathroom and let the water run. I hung out with them two nights ago and I ate a spaghetti dinner and it killed me that I couldn't purge at the end of it. I felt so angry with myself for eating that when I got home I ended up binging on everything and then purging. I don't know why I thought that eating more would help me feel better but I ended up purging everything even some of the spaghetti dinner. 


I hate that yesterday morning I couldn't enjoy the donuts that my mom bought because I would have binged on them if I could so I ended up spitting and chewing the one donut that I had. Spitting and chewing is so gross but it is the only other thing I can do besides puke. I hate purging sometimes. I hate that I feel so ashamed about it and I see spitting and chewing as a better solution but even that can hurt your body. Sometimes I would just like to be normal. The voice in my head says I can't be normal because I don't deserve that just like I don't deserve food. 


I know that I write like a maniac but things go through my head a mile a minute and that's how I write. 


I don't like how I care what others will think. With people knowing about my "recovery" is easy because they think I am better and don't act strange around me. If they were to find out that I lied to them they would be so upset with me. I hate how I care about what they say when I am the one who could actually end up dying from this. I am most fearful of what my mom will say or do. I have made her out to be a great person to my friends who thinks she knows about my disorder but that is how I want her to act, it probably won't end up going the way I want it too. All I know is that I kind of want to be the one to tell her because I need to control that situation and play it to my advantage.


Oh control what you have done to me I can not explain...
All I know is that today is going to be a hard day because no one is going to be home and we have delicious food...


Wish me luck...

Basic beginnings

I am in my second year of college and I feel as if I will never escape this eating disorder. No one knows that I still have one and/or ever did have one. The few people that do know about my eating disorder think that I have been in recovery. They also think that I would tell them if I ever relapsed. They only reason why these certain few people know is because I had to explain my eating habits. Telling them helped a bit as an outlet although I explained my eating disorder in past tense. I was able to get things off my chest without setting off alarms and I was able to eat the way I wanted because they understood that I was "recovering".

I can't have any of them know the truth. I don't want to give up my secret. I don't want them to think I am disgusting, I don't want them to pity me. At the same time I wish that someone had the ability to make the voices saying that I am not good enough go away. I once was better in my senior year of high school. I didn't binge as much so I didn't purge as much I also didn't restrict my foods. I just ate what I thought I could handle and kept on that way. Freshman in college though, I started to feel out of control and the binging and purging got increasingly worse. The summer before my second year of college was the worse though because my home life was increasingly stressful and I felt out of control more so than I was when I was in school.

Now I am in my second year of college and on winter break which is thankfully ended. I have began restricting my foods and when I do eat I puke it all up. I do not have many foods that I can keep down and for the past 2 months I have found purging to be exhausting so I have basically just stopped eating. Of course my mother is oblivious and can't see what is going on besides the fact that I have lost some weight but she thinks that is because I have been going to the gym more and eating better. Oh man is she in for a surprise when she finds out.

Although I do not enjoy my teeth rotting and having constant dizzy spells, I rather no one found out about my secret. This is the only thing I control...I don't want to die...

I wonder when people will start to see the seriousness of the matter and what they will think of me afterwards.  I wonder if I will ever be able to get help on my own...

Well I just need somewhere to get this all out and I am positive no one will read because I am not telling any one about this blog. I need to keep this a secret and basically for me but if perhaps you stumbled upon this let me know I am not alone...

xoxo

Safe foods and binge foods...

Binge Foods:

•          Rice cakes *
•          Chocolate any thing
•          Cake
•          Brownies
•          Cookies
•          Salt and vinegar chips
•          Green olives
•          Soda
•          BREAD! Any kind of bread, OMG bread!

o   Portuguese bread

o   French bread

o   Garlic bread

o   Foccia bread

o   White bread

o   Onion bagels

•          Candy. Any type of candy
•          Ice cream
•          Frozen yogurt
•          Tostitos and cheese dip
•          Donuts
•          Tea with sugar
•          Any fast food especially fries from MacDonald’s
•          Pizza
•          Special K fruit bars*
• 
  

Safe foods:

•          Tea with splenda
•          Clementine*
•          Water

I have a lot of binge foods and that’s probably not even all of them. I just binge on a lot of things when I can get my hands on them. Bread is always a staple in my house so that of course I must stay away from on a daily basis. I don’t have many safe foods. I guess fruit is always a safe food if I had any other fruits. I try not to binge and most times I succeed.

*these foods can either be safe or binge worthy; it just depends on the day.