Contradictions

The voice comes out starting as a whisper but progresses to a scream.

She says eat and eat now. Eat anything you can get your hands on.

She says that it is good for me, that I will be a whole person again. That what was taken from me could be returned as long as I eat.

She says that it doesn’t matter if I am a vegetarian because the meat tastes so much better. She says it’s okay because I have avoided meat for months, so it is all okay.

She says go on just one bite…so one bite leads to two bites then three and so on until I can no longer find the strength to chew.

I sit there anxiously awaiting the shrill screams of her voice to kick in.

She yells, YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WHO THE HELL SAID YOU COULD EAT?

She yells, WHO TOLD YOU, YOU DESERVED TO EAT?

She yells YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOURSELF!

She yells, YOU ARE TOO BROKEN TO FIX, YOU WILL NEVER BE WHOLE!

She yells, GO ON, GO GET RID OF IT BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO!

I head to the bathroom. The toilet is waiting for me, just like it always has.

She yells, GO ON NOW. YOU FAT FUCKING PIG. NO ONE GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO EAT, SO NOW YOU MUST GET RID OF IT. AT LEAST DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE.

Here it comes. All the food consumed is easily regurgitated.

She says you are disgusting.

She says no one will ever love you.

No “job well done” or “finally you did something right”, instead…

She says you are such a failure at life.

She says you are probably such a failure that you didn’t even puke it all up.

She says, go run! Go run now!

She says, run until your heart gives out.

I run until I can no longer breathe.

Once again no “good jobs” or “congratulations”

She says you suck. Who cares if you couldn’t breathe? Others can run longer than you. You are broken and will never be whole.

My eating disorder, my voice

You told me to eat, but you are right I am a failure.

You told me I could be whole again if I ate, but you are right I am broken beyond repair.

You never say good job and probably never will, but I keep striving for your approval.

Just like the toilet you are my constant, a voice that never goes away and is always there when I need you the least.

I am broken and will never be fixed but with you, you say I can be whole but take it back.

 You are so indecisive. I will never win.

She says, that’s right just give up now. You are a failure and will never win.