Basic beginnings

I am in my second year of college and I feel as if I will never escape this eating disorder. No one knows that I still have one and/or ever did have one. The few people that do know about my eating disorder think that I have been in recovery. They also think that I would tell them if I ever relapsed. They only reason why these certain few people know is because I had to explain my eating habits. Telling them helped a bit as an outlet although I explained my eating disorder in past tense. I was able to get things off my chest without setting off alarms and I was able to eat the way I wanted because they understood that I was "recovering".

I can't have any of them know the truth. I don't want to give up my secret. I don't want them to think I am disgusting, I don't want them to pity me. At the same time I wish that someone had the ability to make the voices saying that I am not good enough go away. I once was better in my senior year of high school. I didn't binge as much so I didn't purge as much I also didn't restrict my foods. I just ate what I thought I could handle and kept on that way. Freshman in college though, I started to feel out of control and the binging and purging got increasingly worse. The summer before my second year of college was the worse though because my home life was increasingly stressful and I felt out of control more so than I was when I was in school.

Now I am in my second year of college and on winter break which is thankfully ended. I have began restricting my foods and when I do eat I puke it all up. I do not have many foods that I can keep down and for the past 2 months I have found purging to be exhausting so I have basically just stopped eating. Of course my mother is oblivious and can't see what is going on besides the fact that I have lost some weight but she thinks that is because I have been going to the gym more and eating better. Oh man is she in for a surprise when she finds out.

Although I do not enjoy my teeth rotting and having constant dizzy spells, I rather no one found out about my secret. This is the only thing I control...I don't want to die...

I wonder when people will start to see the seriousness of the matter and what they will think of me afterwards.  I wonder if I will ever be able to get help on my own...

Well I just need somewhere to get this all out and I am positive no one will read because I am not telling any one about this blog. I need to keep this a secret and basically for me but if perhaps you stumbled upon this let me know I am not alone...

xoxo