School...

So it was the first week of classes...
Everything went well but school is not good for my eating disorder.
I had to figure out my schedule and it does not agree with my eating disorder.
I figured out that I cannot have lunch on Tuesday or Thursday. Well unless I eat lunch at like 11 because I have class at one and purging is very hard to do in 5 minutes especially when I need to make sure everything is out of my stomach. People have noticed my weight loss but I don't celebrate that fact because that just means that I am sicker than I thought. I mean my eating disorder is happy about it but the logical side of me says that is not something to be proud of.

Purging dinner is never a hard thing. I always take a shower after dinner and thats when I do it. No one can hear me at least I think they can't and if they have then they have to say something to me. They are the kind of friends that would though so I am not worried. My disorder is not agreeing with me lately all I want to do is stop but she won't let me ( I won't let me). I have been talking to my friend here at school and I told her everything that has been going on but the appropriate story. I told her that my bulimia has come back but my mom and doctor know so I am trying to get better. She understands the voice in my head because she has binge eating disorder or at least symptoms of it. She and I made a pact that this week she wouldn't eat junk food and I wouldn't purge. I said that it was reasonable but I failed that night as I have failed everyday this week. I will of course tell her that I succeeded to get her off my case but really why do I need to lie? Why does she come out every time I try to tell the truth. She just won't die. I have been looking at treatment centers but I don't believe I am sick...I also don't want my parents to know but they will. Fuck Life.

Well I went on a pretty awful binge today...Oh well really I had purged dinner and then purged some buger king and dunkin donuts all the while knowing that I tore my throat. I suck I know. My head is throbbing and my throat is so very sore. But whatever...

My friend and I are hanging tonight and I can not hide the fact that I am feeling sickish I hope that she just doesn't think that I went back on our pact because she did so very well this week. I wonder why the voice in my head is so much more louder than hers. She can control hers for a least a week where as I can not. I am losing weight and getting chipmunk cheeks, I am so very attractive... so gross...

Whatever I am still happy to be at school so I guess that is good =)