Things I hate the most...

I think that worst part of my eating disorder is the fact that when I am home I have to hide upstairs in my room to keep away from the kitchen. My family does not know about my eating disorder so the house is stocked with all the binge foods that I love. I wish that I had a good mind set about food and wasn't absolutely terrified to go into the kitchen. It is not so much that I am afraid of eating the food right when I see it but I know that I will look at it long enough for it to become my craving. 


Another thing that I hate the most about this eating disorder is that I will avoid certain friends because I know that I will have to eat around them. I love hanging with these friends but I know that when with them we tend to eat and I don't want to be a pig in front of them nor do I want to have to run to the bathroom and let the water run. I hung out with them two nights ago and I ate a spaghetti dinner and it killed me that I couldn't purge at the end of it. I felt so angry with myself for eating that when I got home I ended up binging on everything and then purging. I don't know why I thought that eating more would help me feel better but I ended up purging everything even some of the spaghetti dinner. 


I hate that yesterday morning I couldn't enjoy the donuts that my mom bought because I would have binged on them if I could so I ended up spitting and chewing the one donut that I had. Spitting and chewing is so gross but it is the only other thing I can do besides puke. I hate purging sometimes. I hate that I feel so ashamed about it and I see spitting and chewing as a better solution but even that can hurt your body. Sometimes I would just like to be normal. The voice in my head says I can't be normal because I don't deserve that just like I don't deserve food. 


I know that I write like a maniac but things go through my head a mile a minute and that's how I write. 


I don't like how I care what others will think. With people knowing about my "recovery" is easy because they think I am better and don't act strange around me. If they were to find out that I lied to them they would be so upset with me. I hate how I care about what they say when I am the one who could actually end up dying from this. I am most fearful of what my mom will say or do. I have made her out to be a great person to my friends who thinks she knows about my disorder but that is how I want her to act, it probably won't end up going the way I want it too. All I know is that I kind of want to be the one to tell her because I need to control that situation and play it to my advantage.


Oh control what you have done to me I can not explain...
All I know is that today is going to be a hard day because no one is going to be home and we have delicious food...


Wish me luck...