Attack! at the dinner table

So funny story (not really)...

Mom and I made dinner tonight and I got to wear the cute little apron that I love and we got to talk. Of course all the while when I was talking to her I thought about telling her about my eating disorder. Of course I didn't tell her but at least I am that much closer to telling her. The dinner was spaghetti and it was down right unhealthy for me to eat because I knew that I would purge because it is like my favorite dinner.

I sat down at my dinner table with my siblings and I am thinking that maybe I will get through this dinner and just go keep busy so I can keep it down. Then the shit-show came to town. My sisters ganged up on me and told me that I do nothing at all around the house. I do a lot of things around the house but it is whatever. It would have not bothered me as much if it was only one of them yelling at me but it was both of them. When they gang up on you pretty much are going to lose and feel like shit afterwards. This was not the first time today that they got on my case but I can't help the way they feel about me. I avoid them like I avoid food because all I hear from them when I come home is that they don't want me at home and to go back to school. My dad and mom are never much help when my sisters are on my case. My dad just says that they are jealous that I got out of the house and they have to stay. But I don't really believe that because our house is not that bad.

Long story short I purged. My siblings stress me out a ton. I think that is pretty sad that I avoid them like I do food and I wonder how they would feel if I ever said that to them but I don't think I ever will because I love them too much.

Concerns: I think that my safe food list has just dwindled...I have avoided celmentines for the past week because I am afraid of binging on them. I really have two at a time which is not bad but I feel like that is a binge and I have to get it out which I hate. I hate purging citrus things...I need to find more safe foods or else the only thing that I am keeping down is olong tea with splenda and water.

Bulimarexia
I hate that everything that I eat must come out and I hate that I can't brush my teeth straight after. I hate being sick. I hate that no one knows. I hate that I like the fact that no one knows. I hate that I am not at all logical. I hate that I cannot be normal. I hate that I get to be a statistic. I hate that when people find out what I have been doing and knowing that I lied to them will look at me differently. I hate everything about this eating disorder.

On the bright side of things I do have those moments where I tell myself that I will get better. I tell myself that today will be the day when I tell my parents. I also have great friends who I need to have more faith in and realize when they find out they will stay by my side.

I should go to bed but not before running...