Needing help...

So I am thinking that I may go and get some help at my school's counseling center.
I am so sick and tired of fighting this demon all by myself...granted people know that I have this eating disorder but they don't know that it is more alive in me than ever.
I can't fight with myself anymore...
I know that most days I don't feel sick or seem sick but I know that the blood flow coming out while I purge is not a good thing, it is not a normal thing.
I hate that I feel this way about myself. I hate that I am afraid to seek help. I hate everything about my life with this eating disorder of mine.

I swear I suck so much. I swear that I am useless, worthless, just a waste of space. I suck so much. I am weak. I do not have the strength to battle this situation. Most days I would like to give up or forget that something is even wrong but then I find myself at the toilet leaning down and enduring the pain in the back of my mouth. My poor body must hate me. My friends must hate me I know I take extra long showers but that is just so you don't have to hear me purge.

My friends are better and more accepting than I give them credit for. I know this. I still cannot have them find out. I am not sick enough. My mind is playing tricks on me. I am perfectly healthy...

I need help. I know. I don't want anyone to find out though.
I don't need help. I am perfectly healthy...

oh the lies we tell ourselves...