I am not happy with trying and failing because I feel as if I am failing at trying even though I know I am trying.
Every time I fail I think that I wasn't trying hard enough even though I know that is not the case. I was trying!
I just hate failing and hate failing at trying and I hate trying harder and harder if I am only to fail. I want to be better when I wake, just like that but I know that cannot happen and I have to keep fighting.
On other notes: I am triggering myself every time I step on that god damn scale. I NEED TO STOP. I know I am triggering myself so why the hell do I keep doing it?!?!?! The "boss" says I need to but if I want to escape Ed I cannot listen to him. So why the hell keep listening?!?! Another triggering item is fucking Tumblr. I follow recovery blogs just like I do on this site but all of the pictures that these "recovery" blogs put up are not so recovery esq. Then the posts that these girls post about what they are going through does not make me feel better. But then if I try and unfollow them I feel really bad because they are going through the same things I am and I should be able to help them but I just feel so guilty for unfollowing that it then triggers the voice once again. There is just no winning and I must delete my Tumblr. I am just not sure if I can or not. I like it on here because nothing that people say on here triggers me so much as what they do on Tumblr.
I have therapy tomorrow...new person...kind of stressing. Ed tells me to lie and say I have been doing good but I have to tell the truth! I just don't know who will win tomorrow; me or Ed?
Well after that huge rant...I am off to bed knowing what I have to do (delete Tumblr)...hopefully I can do it and hopefully the therapy session goes well.
I hope it goes well too! Keep hanging in there and try not to use the word 'fail' so much- it's unfair to you and doesn't do justice to all the effort you're putting in. And I can tell you must be, just from how conflicted you sound. I know it feels like you aren't achieveing much, but every day you endure that conflict, every day you struggle and don't let the ED voice take over is a day that you have fought. Maybe you haven't won yet, but at least you didn't surrender.
ReplyDeleteInternet triggers are a bitch but if you need to unfollow some people, do it. If they're recovering too I think they can understand each person needs to do what's best for their own progress. Besides, you can always come back to them later in a more healthy frame of mind and then give advice and support.
Best of luck xx