Failures are huge

I had a good 6 days...
and now it is all down the drain...

I don't really know why I am such a failure. Why I don't want to seem to get better? I was doing so well for those six days but then the voice was so powerful and something within me took over. Today was such a major fail, from the moment I woke up I knew that I shouldn't have eaten. The food that me and my roomie went out to eat was good and I wasn't feeling the need to vomit but then we got back to the room and she left. I was there with myself and I binged.

Why did I fail?
Why am I a failure?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I wanting to stay sick?

Fuck you eating disorder...I will go to the gym tomorrow and work out and I will not be eating till Tuesday at the latest that is how much of a failure this day has been.

Why?
Will I ever get better?

A boy should not be able to trigger you so much. No one should be able to make you feel like crap. I hate you. I hate the voice inside my head. I hate this whole entire situation. I blame myself all the time but I know some of the blame can be put on you. I should of never let you touch me, I should of never let you off of the hook.

and then her comforting voice comes in and saves the day...

"Brae it will be alright. I will always be here with you. I will take away your stress and worries all you have to do is feed me but just remember to get rid of it in the end."

I hate you
I hate this
I hate tonight
I hate everything

I wish someone could say that I am not crazy. That I will get better.
I wish I could believe those someones.
But the approval I need is yours and I just can not have that because you trigger me like no other.

goodnight