My goal is this close to failing. I purged tonight or rather early this morning. I have been living off of 100 calories a day and my binge got up to a little bit over 1,000 calories which is barely even a binge but I felt totally out of control eating so I went and purged.
I shouldn't have eaten that oatmeal. I mean it would have been okay if I started the week off eating oatmeal but I didn't and changing my food suddenly throws me off track.
I swear its like I take one step forward and two steps back.
Today in class we had to take surveys and give feedback on what was good and what needed to be changed in our classmates surveys/projects. Two of the surveys surrounded body issues and at first I had this intense urge to lie but then I just told the truth.
I feel uncomfortable with being me
I feel gross
I feel worthless
I feel like a failure
I often feel out of control
I do not believe that the two hours or more I spend at the gym is enough
I often hate looking in the mirror. At least the voices are less loud when I don't.
I hate negative thoughts but I think that it was helpful to actually tell the truth for once even though it was only for my eyes to see and I think that I may have lied if I had to give the surveys back to them although they are meant to be anonymous. I need to work on that.
I was walking down the street today and of course I found myself talking out loud as I walked. I was asking myself why the hell I couldn't control anything. Why I was once able to seem semi healthy in senior/freshman year of college. I know why. I was never rid of the voice telling me I was a failure when I slowed down all of the behaviors but the voice was louder than ever at that time because I was denying its efforts to pull me in to its deep spell. I figure the reason why things have gotten worse for me or why the behaviors have gone from minimal to full blown again is because I am tried of listening to the damn voice all the time if I am not doing anything about it. I feel that if I am not purging and restricting then I am suffering with this voice for no reason. I figure the voice and the behaviors might as well be a package deal. I hope that this is making sense. If it isn't I don't really know how else to explain it.
I have been such an insomniac these days. Also I have been so ADHD lately and my thoughts jump around all the time. It is awful. I have to see if I can see the doctor today because I was supposed to see him yesterday but seeing as I fell asleep yesterday at the time of the appointment it was a fail. Maybe I should see if he can give me anything for my issues sleeping/concentrating and anxiousness.
I am pretty sure that none of this is making sense anymore so I should just stop typing.
No comments:
Post a Comment