Seeing the doctor was oh so awful. I have not gained weight but only lost a pound. He doesn't understand anything and I just think he is an idiot. He just looked at the physical aspects i.e. the weight; but I told him about the purging 3 times a day for this whole entire week and yet he did not check my vitals. I also probably should have told him that I have lost my period for about 2 months now. Thank you eating disorder...he probably wouldn't have cared anyways. As I said...
An idiot. That is all I can say. I am switching doctors. The end.
On other notes:
Also I hate my unhealthy relationship with peanut butter. I can eat jars and yet I cannot seem to vomit it all up as well as I used to be able to. Tisk Tisk. I need some portion control and bad. I swear peanut butter is in my dreams. It is all I ever think about. It is just down right unhealthy seeing as a couple weeks ago I wouldn't even touch peanut butter. Maybe it is just my body needing protein but I don't know the obsession just needs to end!
I hate having negative thoughts.
I hate even more having to say these negative thoughts out loud.
I think that my lack of voicing these negative thoughts holds up my progress in therapy.
I hated feeling a disconnect with my best friend for the first time in 4 years.
I am used to being the happy constant for everyone. I have always felt bad about being sad when my friends needed me or if my family needed me. So I learned how to bottle those sad feelings up and learned to be happy 24/7. Granted thats when bulimia came and took over but I don't know if I am totally ready to come to that realization. My need to be happy all the time for others fuels my eating disorder, that just doesn't sound correct.
I am glad to write here though... I am glad to have this place to say all those nasty, ugly eating disorder thoughts.
I am afraid that if people knew what thoughts were inside my head, they would lock me up.
I swear I am not crazy and I do not wish to die.
I sometimes feel as if there is nothing wrong with me. No one at home besides my best friend and parents know about my eating disorder. I can act normal here. I can be happy Brae and that my friends is all I care about.
Being normal...
What a joke.
I am not normal
I have an eating disorder
My throat aches and I am always dizzy...I vomit almost everyday at least since I have been home.
I guess the whole normal aspect of my life at home is what fuels my eating disorder. At school I am the girl with an eating disorder and my behaviors calm down and I am still vomiting but not everyday. I restrict more while at school than binge. I wish to be back now.
What will happen during the summer?
I will not be well but hopefully I will find the courage to tell people at home so I can have my behaviors calm down and not be in so much pain all the time.
I guess that is the internal struggle..."to tell or not to tell"
Shall I stay normal at home even if it is not best for me?
Well this was long...
Sorry about that.
I must also work on the "sorry" notion of my life. I am forever apologizing for everything although it is not always my fault. My therapist says that also fuels some part of my bulimia. I cannot see these connections but she makes sense so hopefully one day I will see these connections.
I do not like grammar. Sorry again. Well no! This is my blog and my imaginary readers will just have to deal with the grammar situation.
On that note...
Goal: no purging for the week. If I can succeed then I will find it acceptable to go out to eat with my friends on my birthday if not then oh well no birthday dinner for my bulimia.
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