Anxiety and Ultimatums

I am annoyed!
What the hell? Why do I purge if I am only going to eat again?
She comes out and she is like you have eaten too much so PURGE. Then minutes later once the high is gone she comes back and says I feel empty once again...eat! I cannot purge now thank you very much so there is 400 calories still left inside me because the blood from my throat scares me all too much to continue.

She may be the boss but I am about ready to quit!
I swear if I go over my alloted amount of 50-100 calories tomorrow I may kill someone.
My anxiety has been at an all time high today as well as just this whole entire week. I don't understand. I mean school has been crazy busy and that makes me anxious then I am just thinking about writing a letter to my ex even though that was only a suggestion when I was ready but the thoughts of doing so have been driving me up the wall. I have also been thinking about telling people at home about my "other half" and that has been making my anxious. I just need to quiet these thoughts. Once I quiet these thoughts then the constant need to binge and purge will go down.

I feel so much more in control when restricting. Of course I have always been more bulimic.
Looking at myself in the mirror has become increasingly difficult this week! I swear I have gained 10 pounds and I am not happy with that. I logically know that I haven't gained that much but I can't help that that is the way I feel.

I take showers in the dark just so I can't see my body. I will be restricting like no other for the next few weeks and purging everything that passes my lips if it is over the alloted 100 calories and or less.
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I have lost two of my friends to an ultimatum. I never thought that I would lose my friends to my eating disorder. Granted they are my roommates and they say that they are still my friends they just can't live with me anymore because they can't help me out.

I just don't know. I feel like they have given up on me so I just don't want to be their friends anymore. I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal.

I will keep fighting though despite what I said earlier. I will keep fighting for myself even if people around me can not see my growth or change.